Oh hey internet! I'm in the stratosphere still, floating around, watching the world turn around me and in front of me. Usually when I haven't written in a while, it's either because things are going pretty well, or so terrible that I don't want to put that horror into words. Luckily for me, things are going pretty well. I'm getting a hold of myself, building a better me...just in time to tear it all down for Christmas.
I won't say what happened, but this year I got to mend something that has been broken for a really long time. The pain always sat in my guts and I'm so glad to let it go and see that weight lifted. Some things are silently exhausting you. Any weight lifted is a good thing. I think our lives should be about removing the weight that we carry around with us. If we can get out from under it, we can survive this life and maybe even find a way to salvage some really great things from the damage.
So it's Christmas and that means I'm gonna have some terrible feelings, but those terrible feelings will be balanced by the beauty of being here...present in my family's lives. I'll try to be present here too, but maybe it's ok if I keep silent too...if things are going well?
I'm getting to the point where I think maybe it's ok to let things go well and not feel bad about it. It's ok to let people be gone. It's ok to stop honoring their memories at the expense of your own. It's time to make new memories without them. I want it to be time to let them go finally. I'm not sure I can. I'm gonna try and I could use your prayers. I have some thoughts that you can really help me pray to get clarity on.
The world has no idea they are no longer in it. This bothers me the most.
Neither of them said goodbye, but they both tried and I didn't answer. I could use some help to stop wondering about what those conversations would have been like.
I have a lot that I hold onto, but these are the questions that make things really hard for me. I'm guessing they will never get answered and they aren't supposed to. That would make things too easy to keep my faith. Faith isn't supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be terrifying and impossible.
Also, their mom would like to know who actually did burn holes in her new carpet. I have no idea.
Thanks for reading...Z