Sunday, July 9, 2017

Here By My Side

        My bride has been out of state for a few days. I was thinking that first night when I came home and got into a very large empty bed, that we have spent so very few nights apart over the past 15+ years. It doesn't cross your mind until you realize you are lonely.

        Then when you get lonely and the house is silent and you can't hear your very heart breathing next to you, you start to remember how great they are. How great she is. There are a ton of things that I can never repay her for, and spilling these words onto the internet doesn't do it either: But I think the single greatest thing she has ever done for me, was sit in the silence with me when my brothers left us. I don't think I have ever felt so empty. I don't think I've ever hated a quiet room more. I've never stared off into siege for so long. She would sit next to me and rub the back of my head or just lay her head on my shoulder.

        She didn't even try to fix it. Most days, she didn't say anything at all. It wasn't something that could ever be fixed and I wasn't going to be fixed either. But there she sat with me in the shadow of death. A perfect picture that God used to describe the reason we don't need to fear. I have a really great person living this life with me...helping me raise three really great people. I'm very thankful for her, and them, and you, and the life God has blessed me with.

I'm going to try and remember these things every day, so I learn to never take them for granted.


Thanks for reading...Z

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Forgetting Who You Are

When I die, put my ashes in the trash bag
I don't care where they go
Don't waste your money on my gravestone
I'm more concerned about my soul - NF - Oh Lord

        It's easier than I thought to forget who you are. This is a theme I've been going through the past few years. All of this anger going on in the world and division. People care less about other people than they ever have I think. This is coming from a guy, who was struck on my bike by an SUV 8 years ago. I did at least one flip that I can remember and ended up two lanes to my left (luckily the turn lane) on my face. I wasn't injured, but I didn't know that yet.

        I looked up and saw how the world thought of me. They stared at me looking to them for help and drove right past. A homeless man called the cops from Meijer and came running to help. One man ran to the cash register at the Meijer gas station and told them to call, then ran all the way to me before anyone else could be bothered or take a risk to help me.

        The world has been moving this direction for some time now. People simply don't care about people that they don't know. Or at least it doesn't seem that way. I've caught myself driving past people on the side of the road on their phones calling for someone to help them. I think in my head, "They have a phone, they are calling for help. They're good." I ignore the much quieter voice that asks me if they have auto insurance, or if they have anyone that will be able to get them anytime soon. I push it off because it's so much easier to be an utter asshole and make a choice not to care at all and stop and ask.

        I think I would have stopped years ago.

        So again, I find myself answering questions that I would have answered differently before I got a really harsh and fatal reality check. A reminder from my past! The sun doesn't shine on my ass and it never will. I get what everyone else gets. I get blessings from God, that often go unnoticed: And I get the harsh reality of the depravity and darkness of the world. I have to try and learn to juggle those and put them into a proper perspective.

        How to figure out how to do that? I don't know. But maybe it involves forcing myself to take a second and breathe, then listen to the quieter voice that is really compassionate if not wise. Move forward and stop allowing a destructive world view to manipulate my decisions.


Thanks for reading...Z