Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Losing Time


        It's so cruel that we cannot live forever. That we have to grow old and one day die after years of not being able to do the things you used to be able to do. Laura tells me stories about her grandmas all the time. I met them when they were both pretty old, so I didn't get to see them in the years that they were strong. I don't think that's fair. I don't think that we should have to get old and frail and I definitely don't think we should ever have to die unless we want to. Maybe death is better for some people who are so tired of being frail. I don't know, but I one day will because most of us have to go to that place.

        It seems so recent that I sat in that elementary school, smelling the pencil shavings that filled the halls with it's perfume. I can't help but to feel that I didn't do enough kid things. I did a lot...even into my adult years... But I'd really like to hold on a bit longer. I'm not old. I'm 38. But I feel like I was just 15 yesterday. I can't help but dread what's ahead a little, even knowing the good stuff is there too.

        Every year I get older, I become more and more purposeful in my actions with my kids. I want them to remember what a good dad they had, so that my son will be a great husband and dad and so my daughters will choose guys that are like me, who love them with every part of themselves.

        Don't get me wrong, there are still some things that I still want to accomplish and I'm not weak just yet. But lines annoy me more now. Traffic is more irritating. People talking in my face about things uninteresting is now so cumbersome. I feel maybe like I'm losing minutes that would be better spent holding my kids or sitting with my beautiful wife.

But then there are those moments.

        Those moments remind you that you are still here and not going away. When I hear a great song, I wish I would have sung it. When I read something beautiful, I wish I would have written it. I've always been a person that sees something that they think is good and tries to create something better. I'm am still someone that sees the art in everything. This motivates me to be who I am right at this moment, not fear for who I will be sooner than I wish. I want to do things that will help other people find peace, and inspire them to create something better than me.

        There is something so beautiful about hearing a song or reading poetry so good that you want to cry because you don't have that in you, but you are so glad someone else did.


Thanks for reading...Z