It returns to you in the night, while you are the most vulnerable. Your eyes open to a sun dimmed and a weight on your entire body that slows everything.
It's been happening my whole life. Some days i'm so happy. Others, i'm so sad. Then some days I'm droning on, acting like a clown just to maintain.
Every fall, things feel really bad. Strange that this is still my favorite season of the year. The death of the leaves and the fall of the sun has a way of changing everything about me. I see both hope and despair. But mostly during these times, I see despair. The good news is that I know this is just in my head at this time. It took me so many years to realize this will go away and change and I'll feel better on the other side. So that builds a hope in me. One that pushes me to be better and to work harder at being who I'm supposed to be. To be what I think I'm capable of. I'm not there yet and I'm struggling to find the right path to that.
Set em up for the dead end kids...
They aren't here. It's just me. Sitting on the curb next to our sign. No one passes here. You all have to turn around. Not even us. My brothers took a road that I won't.
I try not to write about them. It hurts all of us. I made this blog to be honest and document my life for anyone to read. But I'm not really writing about honest things much. I write short stories to tell you about me now. It's too hard and cumbersome both to write and for you to read. And to be honest, when I made this blog, I didn't foresee all of this trauma and had no idea what it would be like to share it like it were a television show.
I'm right here. I'm in right now. I struggle with the past. I struggle with the future. I love people so much. I love my family. I love my friends. I love it when people love me too. But right now, the lights are a little less bright and music is building it's way into a crescendo to Christmas...where I will face death and rebirth every year.
Thanks for reading...Z