Monday, September 26, 2016

The Little Things

        I was alive until I didn't want to be, then I was alive again because I saw the evidence of God present in my life. I lived pushing and bleeding for the next 20 years, taking only the satisfaction of being someone beautiful to someone else. I wanted to be someone I never thought I could be. I wanted to redeem all of the anger going on inside me.

       Then all of the windows in my life broke and I became destitute. I fell asleep and have been asleep for 6 years. 6 wasted years focusing on painful things. Ok, that's not fair. I'll take off 2 years for actual grief for my brothers gone. The other 4 have been spent in anger, irrational and self righteous rage. But an anger I still cannot deny. It's here now, and I think it may have never left. Maybe I just covered over it...or maybe I just painted brown over all of the blue God had made in me. It doesn't matter now. I'm still here, where I am and who I am.

        I believe. I believe all of the fundamental things about God I have for the last 25 years. It's the little things that bother me...maybe because of arrogance, maybe because it's not reality to me. Christian words make my stomach hurt. Words like fellowship, disciples, and prayer chain. It isn't that those things aren't good or real or someone's hope. They just aren't words that connect me with God or people. They separate me. They are strange words that people don't use outside of church. I don't think we should use words that aren't used all over. It makes us sound strange for no reason. If we are to appear strange, make it because of our actions and not our antiquated words.

        The truth is. I need a prayer chain. I just don't want to hear about someone's prayer chain. That is very personal. I want people to not only pray for me, but to intervene. I love fellowship, but I want genuine relationships that don't have some ulterior motive of saving me or fixing me in some way. I am a disciple in that I am a person trying to learn about Jesus. I am not a disciple in some righteous and authoritarian sort. I'm a profoundly flawed person who desperately is searching for the right way to be me as a son of God.

For example:

Fellowship: My pastor and friend Dave twice has seen me face down in anguish. Twice he picked me up and held me together and chose not to lecture me, even when he definitely could have. Instead, he took me once to a movie, then another to a very meaningful concert. It meant more to me than a potluck or a planned fun event. I don't condemn those either, but I personally identify with someone reaching into the mud and grabbing me by the hair and pulling me up.

Disciples: I was a 19 year old going through all of these terrible things and had just decided I didn't want much more time here. Long story short, I decided that I needed God. I called the only person I knew to call that wasn't a christiany Christian. I called my old friend Jim. He worked in home improvement at the time. He hired me to work with him. Just me and him on roofs, hauling and hammering shingles. The work was hard, but he used this entire time to teach me things about life and faith and how to deal with loss.

        I think that faith is right here and right now and should be lived using the most understandable language possible, because that is what hurting people relate to. I think that any sort of love is good right now.


Thanks for reading...Z

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Wonder Woman

        I live with Wonder Woman. Unfortunately, this Wonder Woman forgets what she is to the world and more importantly what she is to the 3 of us living with her. It's really hard being a mom. I can only attest to that by vision. It's also really hard being my wife. I watch her get up and get the kids to school or whatever arrangement that SHE has made to get our kids safely to school while we work. She works long and under appreciated hours and sometimes has to miss one of the kids sports functions and that makes her cry. She is 100% housewife and 100% working mom. I am and have always been proud of my wife. She is the best person I know.

        I think that life is really hard and the weight makes us feel hopeless. I just pray that the hugs we give her and the time spent laughing makes it all worth it. I know it does.

I've never seen a person sacrifice so much for their family. We love you. Just wanted to encourage you on a bad day. I hope tomorrow is better.


Thanks for reading...Z

Monday, September 12, 2016

Right Now

It returns to you in the night, while you are the most vulnerable. Your eyes open to a sun dimmed and a weight on your entire body that slows everything.

It's been happening my whole life. Some days i'm so happy. Others, i'm so sad. Then some days I'm droning on, acting like a clown just to maintain.

Every fall, things feel really bad. Strange that this is still my favorite season of the year. The death of the leaves and the fall of the sun has a way of changing everything about me. I see both hope and despair. But mostly during these times, I see despair. The good news is that I know this is just in my head at this time. It took me so many years to realize this will go away and change and I'll feel better on the other side. So that builds a hope in me. One that pushes me to be better and to work harder at being who I'm supposed to be. To be what I think I'm capable of. I'm not there yet and I'm struggling to find the right path to that.

Set em up for the dead end kids...

They aren't here. It's just me. Sitting on the curb next to our sign. No one passes here. You all have to turn around. Not even us. My brothers took a road that I won't.

I try not to write about them. It hurts all of us. I made this blog to be honest and document my life for anyone to read. But I'm not really writing about honest things much. I write short stories to tell you about me now. It's too hard and cumbersome both to write and for you to read. And to be honest, when I made this blog, I didn't foresee all of this trauma and had no idea what it would be like to share it like it were a television show.

I'm right here. I'm in right now. I struggle with the past. I struggle with the future. I love people so much. I love my family. I love my friends. I love it when people love me too. But right now, the lights are a little less bright and music is building it's way into a crescendo to Christmas...where I will face death and rebirth every year.


Thanks for reading...Z