Friday, September 25, 2015

I Am ?

     People want other people to believe that they are perfect. That there is something profoundly different about them. They are the ones that speak negative thoughts about others. They would have done everything different than you, if only they had the chance. They would see your mistakes before they even happened and would have lived your perfect life. Really, they are just like everyone else; insecure and proud.

     People go to great depths to hurt other people in this culture. Some for their own seemingly good reasons, and others to make someone hurt like they do. People are so angry...and people often get childish when they are angry. I say this because I am and have always been an angry person. There have been times when you wouldn't know it...I think. I try to forgive and move forward always. In fact, the mantra of my house is that Coffman's NEVER GIVE UP. This comes from a lot of pain, but it is true nonetheless. It isn't that I try to hide anger. I just try not to let it fester and become who I am.

     Then there are these times that all I see makes me angry. I watch TV and see only negative. I hear conversations and only see negative. I listen to the stories from other people and only fear dread at what bad is coming for them. This gets exhausting. I have become weary.

     What I've noticed about anger is that it rules you most when you are looking at it. When you are looking at the things that sink you, you find yourself under water too. I've found that when I look away from God, I sink. Much like Peter. I struggle because I want so bad to be mad at absolutely everyone for everything. But I'm not an idiot. There is always the prevailing voice inside that reminds me that this isn't God's fault. This isn't your fault. I didn't cause this. This isn't their fault. The world is lost somewhere in the dark. Maybe the answer isn't to scream into the abyss, but to walk into the abyss and take the lost and lead them by hand to where God reigns.

     The answer isn't judgement or anger. The answer is sacrifice and humility. No one is better than anyone. Some of the Christian culture will shake their head's at me because they want to be angry to forget that Jesus only saved people and never condemned. Some of the non-religious will praise me for speaking differently, forgetting that Jesus stood and died for them regardless of their views on religion. I'd reply to all of them that God loved you. God loves you. God will love you. He only asks for you to trust Him to refine you. God is real. God is perfect, in contrast to what we see before us. God doesn't cause our sin. God isn't responsible for the sin of the world. God isn't responsible for the sin done to you. God didn't want your loved ones to die. The sad truth about the evil in the world is that it exists because we exist.

     If we were an experiment, the scientists would see our entire existence as a failure. We learned to hate each other right away. So we kill. We kill with our hands and with our mouths. We are a broken creation that God severely loves. Because of that, we are not a failed creation. We are only broken. All broken things can be fixed given the right talent. God uses people with different talents to fix us.

     I really do believe that the key to overcoming my anger is believing that God has the power and will to refine me. I have resisted and fought my own desire to feel better. I've really given it a good try. I've shouted and raised my fists. I've tried to hurt Him with my actions. I've tried to protect myself from the God that made me who I am and raised me. I begged Him to not touch my babies, because so many that I have loved have left this world. I just want to be left alone. But that isn't real life is it? Sometimes, we have to find the beauty in the horror and move forward always... NEVER GIVING UP.  I only want to be near God. I want to hear Him speak to me. I want to move as He moves. I want to be a positive person in the lives of all people in my life. I just want to give up and let go. I think that is what God has in mind maybe.



Thanks for reading...Z