I started working out again this week. I have always continued running some, but something inside of me has made me too lazy to lift weights up and down. I guess it didn't seem to matter. This week was a reminder that it matters because it's something I used to love to do. I picked up the weight and got mad and wanted to lift it further. I wanted to release something.
Maybe that's what all of this nonsense in my life it about...releasing something...letting go. I'm gonna go ahead and do that. I have been avoiding the topic. I've been coasting. I've been trying not to feel much or share much. I went back last night and looked at my posts from when Will died and I realized that I had shared so much more than I do now. I'm not sure why exactly, but my bet is that so many things and feelings about them were the same that I didn't feel the need to share them. Maybe it's because it hurts some people to read my thoughts about them because their thoughts equal mine. It may be because I'm tired of being some kind of person that people say they will "pray for."
I'm not proud, but I'm no victim. I war everyday. Most days I win. Some days I lose. The losing has always looked worse than the winning. No one weeps about winning. Books and poems are seldom written about winning. Songs are hardly written about perfection. I'm broken like always. Nothing has changed. I win a few and lose a few, but nothing can replace the huge wins I have had. I could lose everything and it wouldn't erase the joy God has given me in my life.
I have this wife that endures my every struggle. These kids that weep at the feeling of my distress. My family that sits and waits for me to ask for help. My hybrid brother Andy who continues to bleed with me through all things. These amazing friends, old and new, that keep me laughing. I am blessed. I have a loving God. We all have a loving God. We are not alone in anything. We only sometimes feel that way.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped fighting. I stopped doing the things I loved to do. Enough is enough. I'm going to try and change some things. It hurts so much to let go. It doesn't happen all at once. It starts happening and continues until you are almost lost. I usually give up when I feel lost. Maybe just letting go is the answer. Loving God. Loving the people God has given you. Loving people more destitute than you think you are.
Maybe this is happiness from now on.
Thanks for reading...Z