My last blog was stupid and I don't like it.
I do things spontaneously. I feel a certain way for a moment and if that moment is strong enough I write it down. I had a lot of strong moments that moved my fingers across the board for the last bit. It wasn't untrue. It was how I was feeling and how I have been feeling, but it wasn't the image I wanted to portray.
So here are some things I need to get out about those feelings.
1. I feel really angry, and when I'm angry I try to blame anyone that isn't the person that is to blame. I had just spent the day with Will's kids and every single moment hurt me. I got angry that they will end up being more like anyone around them than Will. Because he quit. I love him and will always take his side, but he quit on them and it makes me angry. I'll speak to him about it in heaven.
2. It upsets me that I feel like God let me know this was going to happen and it did. It makes me feel more responsible for their lives. I didn't help them. In many ways I hurt them.
3. Regardless of what the actual word of God says, I guess I still felt privileged and except from loss. Some people have to learn the hard way. I am that person. When God promises heartbreak, He means it. It doesn't make Him less beautiful.
4. I am to blame for any and all hard feelings. I wrote things about being God being unfair, but it isn't true. Life isn't fair. God never promised anything different. God promised tears until the day we would be perfected. I think He gets pretty mad about it too.
5. If you mix certain feelings with certain songs, you create a monster of sadness. Sometimes your ghosts become powerful. You may not think of them much, but when you smell something or hear something ancient, you awaken to the most vivid emotions. Many times, I become overwhelmed by certain moments and it doesn't reflect what is really going on beyond that moment.
So what really is going on?
I'm living my life.
Nothing has changed. My wife and children bring all of the light into my life. I just returned from a visit with my brother Andy which made me smile for 8 days straight. I've lost much, but I'm making new friends and I really like them. I'm not lighting rockets, but I am placing fuses. I work hard and I like my job. I'm doing things I have always liked to do. I'm playing music and writing, I'm thinking a lot, which is good. Thought produces better results than emotion.
I am happy with who I am. That's enough for now. I believe in my God and will continue to. I'm going try to pray more and see things without bias or pride. I'm going to start from 0. It will be as if I have never known anything. I want to be a blank canvas.
I am starting over.
Thanks for reading...Z