Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Whatever You Wanted

     You want to be what you saw that you would be as a child. There aren't obstacles when you are a kid. If you want it, you will get it. People haven't failed you yet. You haven't failed you yet. You just see it the way it should be. I wanted to see space with my own eyes. You can see that in my short stories; as I write a lot about space and being somewhere other than here. A kid understands himself more than the adult. As a child, we eliminate excuses. We don't even understand how something could stop us from our future. As an adult, we make excuses to why we disappoint ourselves. Childhood may be unrealistic, but they aren't wrong entirely. We give up on ourselves way too easily.

     I've done a lot of giving up on myself over the past five or six years. It's utterly exhausting really...thinking so much about my foolishness. Even though I have anchors in Will and Joe's mom and my wife, who both bring me back to who I actually am..I spend altogether too much time thinking about who I am becoming. The real truth is that I don't know who I am becoming or if it is even a bad thing. Maybe the thing that has always held me back was this naive thought that life could be held on to and mastered. That faith in God could be known at all. Maybe it can't. Maybe I have to learn to deal with not having control and not expecting God to shield my eyes from terror like I had imagined He would.

     With my own kids, when something happens that is scary, I try to protect them by downplaying it or even lying to them to keep them safe from fear. It's an instinct that I think most parents have. We don't want our most precious children to have to see the real evil that lives in this world. We know they eventually will see it, but as a kid, they should play baseball and jump rope. But that doesn't stop kids their age from killing themselves or finding a way to heroine. My kids have to see it and have to learn new ways to deal with it. This is a new world we live in. One that hurts and hurts until the children break.

     Life may not be about protection from our God or protection for our kids. It may be about showing whatever light and love we have to people that may not have it. I've been a lot of things in my life, but one thing I haven't been was a person that doesn't feel things. Lately, I haven't been feeling much for people outside of my family and friends. This has alarmed me and I don't like it because it offends the very base of who I have always been and what I've always know to be true.

     It's not God that is's me. I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I'm tired of people hurting people around me. I'm tired of cancer. I'm tired of suicide. I'm tired of abuse of all kinds. I'm tired of people being hurt because they are different. I'm tired of little innocent kids being punched in the face for no reason because some parents raise terrible kids. Somehow, there has to be a difference maker. We can't control how people raise their kids. We cannot control how well raised kids control themselves. We can't control how any person controls themselves...but we can control ourselves. We can weep and pray for those that get hurt. We can volunteer and share love with each other. We can do the best we can do. Maybe that is the only answer to all of this hatred.


Thanks for reading...Z