Monday, April 6, 2015

Changing Everything

Summer always passes and becomes another winter, then another summer. It's no secret that people in the midwest love Fall and Spring the most. These are the two very brief times where everything is neutral and comfortable. People smile more during these seasons. Then winter comes and brings dread and stagnation and whatever life has stabbed you with in prior winter months. Summer brings happiness mixed with nostalgia. Eventually summer becomes hot and sticky and loud. I think people find real happiness in the middle.

This is a hard concept for me to admit because I am an extremist in nature. There isn't a middle ground with me. You are going to love me or hate me. I will take a stance that is one or the other, but seldom in the middle. I am impulsive and act on those feelings immediately. But this isn't where I am comfortable. Most times I just want silence in the middle of being asleep and awake.

If you have been reading for more than a year or so, you will see this in what I write down. I write down my guts at times, which get hard to read for some people. I write down my high times brought on by moments of clarity, which vanish. In both instances, I truly believe I have turned a corner, but really I'm just either in winter or summer. I'm having a hard time finding a middle ground. I can't find solid footing in either season: It's either snow or mud.

I sat in church today and listened to my pastor and friend speak about a God that he is so passionate about. A God I used to be so passionate about. He spoke about the sacrifice and meaning of what Jesus did. I get that. Then he spoke about the danger of anger in your life. It felt directed at me, like most truth does. I get that. Really, my thoughts were that the truth dies in me. Then he spoke of emptiness. The entire sermon was my photograph. It isn't pretty right now. I know the truth and ignore it for anger. I'm not proud of that.

I'm pretty tired of messing things up. I'm getting hurt a great deal by it, and hurting other people too. So it has become clear that I must discover a solution. I have to change the way I think. I think I have to stop looking at who I used to be and measuring it by who I am now. It makes me feel bad and that guilt drives me to give up. I've had enough of giving up in my life, both in myself and my loved ones. I used to fight. I used to be a person that would fight you until you had no strength left. I burned and wanted for life so badly and gave the best of me to everyone when I could.

I'm not sure the best of me is something that I would be proud to see now. So I have to change everything. The last thing I said to Joe in text was "You have to find it in you to change everything." He couldn't. I can. I will.


Thanks for reading...Z