Monday, November 10, 2014


Everyone has a right to be happy. I don't believe this is an American thought or a Western thought. I believe this is a universal right. We were born with the right to happiness. No one was born to experience misery. Unfortunately, misery is the human condition. People will find a way to ruin every kind of people. We are inherently evil with small flickers of hope and beauty.

I can sit in judgement of all of the sinners in the world. I can try to justify my judgement by telling you about the times I have helped someone or done something beautiful. But in doing so, I omit the stories of jealousy, anger, greed, and dishonesty to name a few. In the end, we aren't as awesome as we like to think we are. Taking an honest look at yourself breeds an honest guilt that we need to improve our lives.

So how does one achieve happiness in a world so dark?

I don't know.

The answer may be different for everyone. I believe God is the answer ultimately. However, faith and love for God does not always breed happiness. Some believe and lay prostate at the feet of God Himself, but weep every morning at the thought of getting out of bed. People that love God lose people that they love. They still have cruel dreams of being reunited, then to be awakened by reality, and emptiness.

I think the point is to keep moving forward. I've never found anything but tears looking behind me. I take pride in where God has lead me and the strength He has given me to overcome some terrible things. But when I look back, it hurts and puts me back there. The point is to move forward. God never promised us happiness in this flesh, but eternity and peace. Sometimes I have peace and other times, when I am looking backwards, I lose that peace.

I remember laying on a dryer as a kid. I was scared of everything. I was uncomfortable all of the time and didn't understand what I was feeling. It felt cold and hopeless and empty. I would later understand this to be loneliness. I would make it a habit to lay on the warmth of the dryer as it hummed me to sleep. I didn't know I was missing anything, just thought that life was a bit sad.

This is a world full of skepticism and fear of the unknown. A lot happened and I was at the bottom point of my life at 19 years old. I discovered answers when I sincerely asked for them. I spent a week in shambles, battling my anger against this brand new feeling of hope. This single thought was the turning point of the war... I remembered my time on that dryer, crying for no reason as a little kid. But this time, I remembered it with my God present and crying too. It's cheesy and strange, but it was real. The feeling was so real that I didn't feel alone anymore. I had been pursuing happiness, and found part of the answer. I needed to realize that I wasn't alone.

The problem is that I still need to realize that I'm not alone. I think that's a choice you make as an adult. I look at my family and there God is. He's brought all of the warmth there. Then I take my eyes off and look back and find emptiness and a connection to that emptiness. It's like loneliness is a person that was always there for me. It makes it hard to leave I think.

It was my only friend.


Thanks for reading...Z