At my high school graduation party, I can remember four friends being there. The rest were my mom's friends. I remember only my brothers Will, Joe, Andy, and Jeff. There wasn't anything extravagant...a gazebo and a back yard. I remember I was wearing my Rage Against the Machine shirt I bought for just this event. We played our signature game of Water Twister in which we ended in a tie between me and Will of course. There wasn't a single thing we could defeat each other in. We always tied. It's a wonder that I'm still alive.
We spent our last year of high school lying on the hood of his car and looking into the sky, trying to figure out how we were going to remain in that moment forever with all of that chaos.
We knew the good and the bad were coming, we just wanted to enjoy right now as it happened. None of us ever lived as if we were ever going to grow old. We planned to die young. None of us wanted to fade away with no one looking. I guess we were the definition of teenage invincibility. In our hearts, we were kings of the world and no one could touch us.
We grew up. Things touched us...easily.
Will died and we scattered. We chose different paths to cope. We all chose to let our guts rot out for a while.
I chose to move forward in my career and my family. I focused and achieved so much, but I feel I lost the ability with one of my brothers to sit in the basement and argue with God. After a while, God didn't seem to be listening to my anger. At some point, I had to move forward and forget everything I have ever known about God. I had to resign that God had a different definition of fair and good than I did. He will always. For that I guess I will always be angry with Him. For me, it isn't fair and no god could see my brother as he was and still allow him to depart from his family. I just don't get it and I never will.
Most of us have moved on never forgetting, but in spite of the loss that lingers in our stomachs, we move towards the light.
We have been through hell and saw the sunlight on the other side. I think of graduation day and remember peeing on that high school sign with Will, so excited to finally be done with school and to finally prove that we were worthy despite their standards.
We celebrated my graduation that day, but all I can remember about my senior year is the two of us lying on a car hood, scared and excited for the future.
I want to change your future so badly. I want to make God's blessings for you reflect His blessings for me, but the past is the past and I am going to have to get used to that.
I still wake up looking to my left for your long lanky body. I still wake up thinking you are still alive.
I won't allow the sadness of your passing to control the fight that remains inside of me. I wont forget your smile, especially your laugh. I won't forget that you loved me more than I loved me. I loved you more than you loved you. I wish you could see what I see.
Thanks for reading...Z