Sunday, June 15, 2014

Being Remembered

If asked any given day within the last 36 years of my life what my biggest fear was, I would give the same answer every time. Not Existing. It isn't rare or unique or anything special really. I'm not so afraid of death or the act of dying, but the not existing concept lingers in the back of my mind and makes me want to run from each thought of it. This thinking causes one to live every moment in the now, but also motivates their actions to reflect fear.

Today I came across a very disturbing meme on the internet. The unknown quote read, "One day you will die. And you will be forgotten." Although this isn't immediately true as you will have loved ones who will mourn you. But it occurred to me that I have no recollection or knowledge of anyone more than a couple of generations before me. One day, i'll have been dead for 60 years and not a single soul will entertain thoughts of me. I will not grace the stream of memories and vague photographs that make up a memory to anyone left on this planet.

At first, I was instantly saddened and clicked away in defiance of my impending doom. Then, as I continued my night, it occurred to me that fear is crippling to real life. Sadness is also rooted in fear. Sadness is also crippling to a real life. I mourn the dead because I miss them, but maybe more because I cannot truly know without doubt that I will ever see them again. I fear non-existence because I cannot know without doubt that I will live on in another state after this life. I believe both, but I have been wrong more than right in my life it seems to me.

So I decided that this terribly depressing meme actually was a comfort to me. It is mandate to live a better life. If I can resign myself to live without fear, I can truly make change. I can be liberated from myself and be happy if I can just remember that no one is going to remember any of my actions, save the less than 10% of people that are remembered in history, I can calm down finally. Maybe I won't panic and drop my stomach when I realize the next 36 years aren't necessarily going to be quite as exciting as the first. I realize that I am older now than I ever thought I'd be at my age. I should be at peace at 36 years old and enjoying every moment of my days.

It takes faith to let go of your false sense of responsibility for keeping yourself alive. It's not really our job to keep ourselves from dying, nor our job to inspire the future to remember you. We should take care of our health for quality of life reasons and also to keep from becoming a hindrance to our loved ones, but we cannot change a single moment that we will be facing. We will add no years to our lives. We are going to be born and we are going to die. These times, God has appointed for us.


 Thanks for reading...Z

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Miracles Happen Laura

After thirteen years of marriage, my wife is still reluctant to believe the tails of my travels. I have been many places and have more stories than the average 36 year old. Many just so unbelievable.


What if a person volunteered every time the world asked for one? What if the same person raised his hand very time?

My son is a prime example. He is eleven. He has been on Good Morning America. He has been filmed doing the weather for hundreds in New York to see. He has broken his femur, the largest bone in his body and hardest to break. He is me as a child.

So is it so hard to believe that...

I saved a Chinaman?
May have found a dead football player? (Perhaps)
Been driven home by Tiger Woods?

Could be I am telling the truth. Hard as it may be to prove or believe, I may be the guy that has volunteered for miraculous stories.


Thanks for reading...Z

Friday, June 6, 2014

Graduation Day

At my high school graduation party, I can remember four friends being there. The rest were my mom's friends. I remember only my brothers Will, Joe, Andy, and Jeff. There wasn't anything extravagant...a gazebo and a back yard. I remember I was wearing my Rage Against the Machine shirt I bought for just this event. We played our signature game of Water Twister in which we ended in a tie between me and Will of course. There wasn't a single thing we could defeat each other in. We always tied. It's a wonder that I'm still alive.  

We spent our last year of high school lying on the hood of his car and looking into the sky, trying to figure out how we were going to remain in that moment forever with all of that chaos.

We knew the good and the bad were coming, we just wanted to enjoy right now as it happened. None of us ever lived as if we were ever going to grow old. We planned to die young. None of us wanted to fade away with no one looking. I guess we were the definition of teenage invincibility. In our hearts, we were kings of the world and no one could touch us.

We grew up. Things touched us...easily.

Will died and we scattered. We chose different paths to cope. We all chose to let our guts rot out for a while.

I chose to move forward in my career and my family. I focused and achieved so much, but I feel I lost the ability with one of my brothers to sit in the basement and argue with God. After a while, God didn't seem to be listening to my anger. At some point, I had to move forward and forget everything I have ever known about God. I had to resign that God had a different definition of fair and good than I did. He will always. For that I guess I will always be angry with Him. For me, it isn't fair and no god could see my brother as he was and still allow him to depart from his family. I just don't get it and I never will.

Most of us have moved on never forgetting, but in spite of the loss that lingers in our stomachs, we move towards the light.

We have been through hell and saw the sunlight on the other side. I think of graduation day and remember peeing on that high school sign with Will, so excited to finally be done with school and to finally prove that we were worthy despite their standards.

We celebrated my graduation that day, but all I can remember about my senior year is the two of us lying on a car hood, scared and excited for the future.

I want to change your future so badly. I want to make God's blessings for you reflect His blessings for me, but the past is the past and I am going to have to get used to that.

I still wake up looking to my left for your long lanky body. I still wake up thinking you are still alive.

I won't allow the sadness of your passing to control the fight that remains inside of me. I wont forget your smile, especially your laugh. I won't forget that you loved me more than I loved me. I loved you more than you loved you. I wish you could see what I see.


Thanks for reading...Z