Monday, June 4, 2012


I woke up. It was 3:15 AM. I was surrounded by anger. I was buried in my disappointment. When you sleep you are vulnerable to anything that wants to infiltrate your mind while your defenses are down. I was trapped somewhere between then and now, with people from then inhabiting the now. Even when dreaming, I understand something isn't right, but cannot put my finger on it. I just cannot figure out I am dreaming and it's gonna be over as soon as I realize it and wake myself up. But dreams are cruel. They seem to be working against us, bringing our deepest fears and regrets to the forefront. Maybe it's because we try so hard when lucid to keep them out. During the day, I go to great measures to remain at peace with myself and my surroundings, and admittedly sometimes God. This night I am with my brother, who I know good and well cannot be speaking to me in the here and now...again I do not connect the dots. I just enjoy it while I can because something inside tells me it cannot last. For a few moments, we are back in his old Escort EXP. I am staring at the lobster fork he boosted from Red Lobster and stuck into his dash board. I look down at my own hands as they spin and twirl a lit cigarette, something I haven't done in many years. Joe's in the back hatch because he busted on some ice sometime before. We had a rule that if you fell down or got caught crying, you had to lay in the back hatch because the car was a two seater. We stopped and looked up through the sunroof at the night sky drop snow onto the glass. We said nothing, none of us did. It was as if the dream versions of Joe and Will also knew this wasn't going to last. I woke up moments later grasping air with empty hands. These things don't happen often anymore, but when they do, they awaken something underneath and I am overcome with anger at just how unfair life can be. It does what it does and it doesn't care who you are or how hard you are trying. Then I must pull myself together and make it ok. Beasts belong in cages in a civilized world. So we have to find ways to put them there. I do these things to lure it in.

I run. This is new to me because I have always hated it. Then one day, for no particular reason I loved it. I found myself in the battle again. I believe I have always belonged in the battle. I fight well. I am exhausted at the end and too tired to feel the fire. I had a really cool moment yesterday during a run. I was running down this small road and the lady was running toward me from the opposite direction. She put up her hand for me to slap it, and I did. No words spoken, just silent agreement that this was peace and we are human and things can be very beautiful in a sometimes rotten world.

I lift weights. If you want a quick release of whatever is eating you. Go lift something that is heavier than your body wants to lift. Then lift it again and again until everything underneath is gone.

I listen to music with no lyrics, or no decipherable ones. Sometimes I mix those songs with sounds of distant trains or wind chimes. I get alone in the dark with headphones and allow myself to breath deeply in and out. You can actually feel your heart slow and your respirations deepen and get quieter. In 30 minutes, I am sometimes a different person.

I play with my kids. There is nothing more calming than to play with or spend time with someone who is truly innocent. They have no bad intentions or silent motives. There is no pain attached to seeing them. No sorrow in their voices. They are a reminder of freedom. Freedom is calming.

Most days now, I am doing well. Most days I think about him and smile. Most days I am at peace. Some days I am not. Some days I can't breath. I am more positive now. I have no desire to live in the darkness of regret. I sometimes pitch a tent there, but my home is with the living. I am happy and content these days. I think this is reflected in the decrease in posts on this blog. I really am trying to improve my frequency of writing. I believe it is just as important to share your happiness as it is your sadness. Otherwise, if you haven't met me, you would think I am this gloomy guy, when I am not. I love life and I laugh and truly believe most things are able to be laughed through. It as helped me to be around people all the time. I don't have the time to sit and stew in loneliness. I believe we do have a choice to live here or there. I choose here.