Thursday, May 24, 2012

Stupid Things I Do

I am a man of many weaknesses. Many have been dreadfully exposed on this blog. However, a couple of the more embarrassing ones haven't been revealed. I had hoped that my wife would cover them in her short lived "Storied Adam Told Me: True or False" blog, but she gave up due to the overwhelming number of witnesses to my adventures and various feats. So here are a couple.

  • I get got by almost every door to door cable salesperson ever to darken my doorstep. The deals are too good to turn down. They are ALWAYS too good to turn down. However, they always end up biting me in the rear and costing us hundreds of dollars. You would think I would have learned that people simply cannot give you a legitimate deal giving you double your services for half the price, but I continue in this foolish quest for totally free cable and internet. I also am a sucker for up and coming rappers that peddle their terribly bad goods on the streets. It isn't that I want their album, because I don't, it's just hard to look them in their sad eyes and say no. Then I listen to their songs about "F" this and that and and kill everyone especially the kids and I instantly regret it. Then there are girls scout cookies. I never buy them from the kids. They don't get to my heart. The gangster rapper does, but not the sweet little missing tooth kid trying to win a new bike. 

  • I say really off the wall and dumb things when I'm put in a roaster. When in a tense situation, I say the first thing that pops in my head and it is ALWAYS a really dumb thing to say and embarrasses the crap out of my wife. Here are a couple examples: 1. I volunteered, voluntarily I might add, to help assistant coach C-diddy's baseball team. I coached a game. Good job me. The next game I wasn't feeling it because I got a new phone and wanted to see all that it could be and go pick up Laura's as well from Verizon. So I pull up to the field hoping Caeden's coach would not be there yet, because he is never on time. But alas, he pulls up into the spot next to me as I am about to pull away and hops out of his vehicle with a "Where you going? I thought you were gonna help?" face, and the screws came loose and things came out of my mouth. I told this man, who lives in 2012, not 1996, that I was going to the store to pay a bill. I pulled out and felt my wife's blazing gaze ripping through my cheek. She was mortified. She could, and still can't believe that came out of my mouth and to this day (really only 3 weeks later) she cringes at the thought that I said this. He must have thought I still had a pager bill to pay at the pager store. Truth is, I was going to pay a bill, but it was the kind of bill you pay when you go to any store and make a transaction which tenders money and an article of merchandise. Not exactly a late monthly bill that I needed a money order for as I had portrayed it. 2. Just today, we were looking into some options for financing to purchase a new home and the mortgage agent asks me how much money we have saved in the bank for a down payment. I panicked. I don't handle the money and she was giving me a look as though we had better have plenty of it, so I got spooked and said "censored amount of dollars" but then added dumbly "But we have ways of getting more." What?!? Which ways? Laura again looks like she is going to throw up. What did that even mean to this women. Did she think we were mafia bosses? Did she think we sometimes prostituted for extra down payment cash? Did she think we stole people's copper plumbing? I have no idea why I said that or where I was thinking the ways of getting money were going to come from, but I said it. I put that out into open space and watched it saturate. 
These things are common practice to me. God bless my wife. Pray for me.


Thanks for reading...Z