Saturday, January 14, 2012

Punching That Clock

I haven't been writing lately. I apologize for that. I have thought about it everyday, but don't have anything interesting or groundbreaking to say. Things are changing for me quickly and I am just paddling to stay above the water, there hasn't been a lot of time to really think about how I FEEL about these things. When one is caught in a place they have no idea how to survive, much less flourish in, they rarely have the time to write down their live experiences of those things. Often they journal at times when it becomes quiet and calm and he get's a sense of peace are safety. So here it goes, because right now it is peaceful. I fully intend to journal more with different things and spill out in different ways, but for now, here is an update.

I am doing well. I am not liking the man I am becoming. I say that because when change happens we rarely like it. It usually shakes the ground beneath us. I don't like it when the alarm clock blasts with the sound of the trumpets of Jericho at 5:25 AM. Most mornings my first thought is "What was I thinking?" As a full time pastor, I would take my kids to school 3 hours later, then come home and start work in my sweatpants and t-shirt. I would put on my music and do what I did. As of late.....if my hand does not grasp that card and swipe it through by 7:06 AM, I will lose a half hour pay and be cited in an incident report.

My last boss was a very brutal man that would ask your opinion about things and take it to heart, and field any complaints and keep them from me in order to spare me the discouragement. I fear now, although I admit it is probably unfounded, that I could lose my job with one simple mistake.

The morning traffic is horrible, but not terrible (I have decreed that terrible is a more harsh word than horrible because of the strong T sound.) I drive down 75 into Detroit before the daylight showers the sky with light and will leave well after it has left. It is a difficult transition. I used to begin projects at 3 AM on a Tuesday. Now I am counting the few hours left after work, before I can drop my head to the pillow. I used to need things to think about to put me to sleep. Most nights, I fall a sleep before I realize I am trying to.

Earlier, I said I did not like the man I am becoming. I don't like him because he is what my family and I need to move forward. I need to serve Jesus full time, but do so with a joyful and serving heart, without pay. This transition really is bitter sweet. I am being forced to live a practical life. I am not practical.


Thanks for reading...Z