Saturday, August 27, 2011

This Is Your Captain

"This is your captain speaking." - Unknown source

I felt a vibration on my pocket. I feel them all the time...most of them phantom vibrations with a cause only known except by God Himself, our captain. I sat in front of the princess of the world, while she got an autograph from the princess of the Disney castle. My eyes glance upward to her crown, then back to my hand which held a device that allows world wide communication. Then back up. Then back down. Something caught my eye. The picture was my fallen brother Will just after he removed his corn rows...the one I have used for his contact information on my phone...a number I have wanted to dial for almost 2 years. In front of the picture and contact information is a question. This question would usually go unnoticed by my eyes. This was the question of my life so far for me. It said Are you sure you want to delete." I literally said, "Jesus!" to myself when I saw it. How had my leg made such a profound and menacing choice? How had it gone through thousands of improbable combinations and reached this conclusion without me consenting? I still don't know, but it made me think...and it wrecked me inside. I didn't need that to happen in the happiest place on earth. I did not need to see a piece of electricity suggest that I finally delete my brother from my phone. I quickly said cancel, both out loud and with my thumb, careful not to hit the confirm button. No way. No way I delete him. No way.

I realize he could never be deleted. He was here. He was right here in my face, sinking into my heart...into my memory. He can press that button and end communication, but he can never have taken what we had away. You simply cannot erase yourself from existence. You can make your flesh stop blinking, but you cannot stop your image from coming across my mind every day. Most importantly, you cannot erase what your kids see in you for the time they had with you. You cannot erase what your children have hidden deep inside of them.

But why the strange and random cellular phone error now? Why now. Sitting in front of the princess, watching my daughter light up with joy? Why am I told through electricity to delete my best friend from my phone...from my memories?  I won't do either. I will hold on as if my life was held by it. But in the end, my hands might be gripping soil, looking for something greater, holding on to something I can never get my hands on. Eternity is for those who have entered understanding of it. I just may not soon get to touch it. I may not see him for such a long time.


Thanks for reading...Z