When there are storms on the horizon...even ones that have been following for a very long time, we sometimes have the tendency to expend our energy on putting them off in any way we can. We can know something is coming and that something is going to roll over us like Grave Digger at an 80's monster truck rally. We know that what lurks is far stronger than we have the strength to bear, even if we know that Christ has volunteered the weight in the back of our minds, we still fear it's punishment. We decide we deserve the punishment and reject the sacrifice of Christ, but the pain is so much, so we continue to run and avoid it. We would rather live a life in limbo than stand up to the things that will ultimately give us great strength.
I have spent a lot of time running from the truth known by experience, as opposed to the truth known in words. When a person I know loses someone they love, I know what to say. I know the truth about God and the world, and that God loves them so much and the death is a product of sin and not God's doing or punishment. But what if that person that lost the one you love is you and not someone you know? I lost a piece of my heart...someone who I looked to as a big brother who had a hand in saving me from myself. I didn't think logically. I didn't immediately think to myself, "This is life. This is sin in the world and it isn't fair, but God is here and He is enough." Instead, I could not muster my guts to speak to Him for weeks. The thought of speaking to my God made me angry. It made me hate my own existence because it was created by the same God that had destroyed me. This was my thought that didn't manifest itself in conscious thoughts, but in silence that laid dormant, quietly killing me and my faith. I was shaken for the first time in my life as a Child of God. Never had I blamed God. Never had I seen tragedy as His hammer coming down. Never had I been in the midst of hell as a believer in Christ...a believer that God is in control. This trembled my whole understanding of who God is and what He really wants.
To be honest, these things went through my thoughts:
1. God is unfairly testing me, knowing I will fail, without giving me the tools to survive.
2. God performs miracles all over the world, but He is not willing to give me one minute of clarity to save my friend.
3. God breaks those He calls His children to keep them low and submissive, because this is what a jealous God does to eliminate distractions.
4. God may have saved me to continue hurting me.
5. God is all terrible.
None of these things are uncommon when we are in despair. However, none of these things are true in the slightest. What we know from His Word is true. The words are true, not the emotions...not our guts. Flesh is weak and gets confused, but God's Word is true and living. I think the beauty of disaster is that it shows us how true the words really are. It helps us to know them by experience and not just by reasoning, because reasoning can always be tampered with when feelings get involved.
Just know that God is real and whatever you may be putting off, may just make the sun shine in your life again.
Thanks for reading...Z