Saturday, April 2, 2011

Going Back

This has been a decision I have been struggling with for months now. I have never liked the fact that I was on meds to keep me stabilized. Makes me feel weak, even when I know better. I made my final decision today. I am gonna run without the drugs. Gonna leave them behind. Not such a surprise to me as I have been conveniently forgetting to take them for 3 weeks now. Before you speak, hear me out.

The meds make me blank. I don't feel much. Feeling inspires me to act. Without feeling, I don't act much. You get the picture.

This past month or two, I have been creating again. The very thing I love the best about life and the image of God. I have done it because I desired to do so. I want to express what God has put inside me and also what the world has put inside me. Drugged, I just had no desire. I just coasted. Autopilot to get me through my brother's death. I am ready to come out into the sun now.

I realize what this means for me, and for what you may be subject to reading. It feels like I am going back into the belly of the beast. But I don't believe that. I believe I am going to be exactly what God wants me to be. Because He is so big and so great and loving that He will prevail in me, despite my many follies. I know I am allowing the sadness in with the rest, but I think that is what makes me who I am. I don't think I was ever meant to live without it, although I may always be wrong. I am not God. He is.

For now I want to feel things. The last three weeks have been different. Episodes of anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, and grief have mixed with an intense desire to be wrapped in the arms of God. Withdrawal from the medication and an insatiable desire to be near my God. To be finally whole again.

When God knit me into my mother's womb, He saw this day. He saw everything. All the way from Heaven to Michigan, God saw this kid squirm and struggle to breathe outside of the water...always sustaining him despite my rebellion. My God is good and deserves to be served by me with intensity. I am not bashing medicine. God made it. I really believe that, but for me, I glorify God most in my brokenness. I am now ready to be broken in a healthy way.

I am going back, but I am not going back to that.

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