Saturday, January 22, 2011
Post secrets is a really good idea. A genius one in fact. I wish it were my idea to give people an avenue to tell the things that weigh the deepest on their hearts to a million people anonymously. I admire a person that is willing to say things that others don't and would never. I admire those more that sign their names next to those statements for all to see because it is really hard being honest. There are many people who for whatever reason, just cannot bring themselves to reveal what is really going on in them. I don't think it's an issue with privacy, but an issue with honesty. Some can only be honest with themselves. They can evaluate and re-evaluate and see every fault they have, but hell will freeze over before they confess their sins before others. It is one thing to let God know what you are, but it is quite another to let others know. It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, God desires real honesty. He values those that know who they really are and who He really is. His grace doesn't seem so great when we hide the reasons we need it in the first place.
I am done with secrets. I used to hide them so deep in me that I couldn't even remember them. They rot though. They burn you from the inside out. Reality is that I have nothing. Neither do you. All of us are subject to what God has given us and that can be really easy to forget. God put people in my life that were eventually going to hurt me. But they made/make me happy. It is rarely easy when God is involved. He has a way of bringing us somewhere without us knowing it. I have always questioned God and His direction for me. I have always been wrong to do this. I am proud and stubborn and prefer to do things my own way rather than His. This has consistently gotten me in trouble. Why? Because He is God and I am not. It is a simple truth, but a truth that is the hardest to accept practically.
I was laying on the floor of Joe's van this night. Drunk off of my mind, needing something I had no idea how to attain. I laid there as the lights passed over my head and to my feet. I thought to myself..."What more is there?" I had two friends that were closer to me than family and I was smiling even if through tears. I sit here now asking the same questions to my God. What more is there. He answers in His own way, but I believe I was getting just what I needed...Love. Unconditional love from someone who wasn't supposed to love me. Two kids that beat their hearts with mine. I thank God for you Will and Joe. You were a major part of the saving of my life. Maybe God isn't so dumb. Maybe God brings people into your lives for a very good reason that we can't see or understand. Sometimes the situation feels wrong to us and we can't see God in it. That doesn't mean God isn't doing something giant in your life. I will try to think more about that.
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I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.