Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year

I know I haven't posted in a while. I don't even have a busy school schedule to blame for it. I have no one to blame but myself. My laziness. My desire to avoid the things I love to do. This break from school has been really weird. It has been nothing but ups and downs rapidly exchanging blows to each other and I am left staggering. It has been a year of mourning 2010. 2011 will be a year of anniversaries. Christmas was the anniversary of the worst day of my life, beginning the worst year of my life. It went better than expected. I fought back the urges to hibernate and fall apart. I replaced every bad thought with a busy thought. I played Christmas music all day to push out the feelings of dread. I got through it. My kids will see this year as a positive Christmas. Caeden was so worried someone he loved would die again this year. Everyone in his life lived through this day, so praise God. I was a little scared too.

Well Christmas came and went. New Years arrived with the blowing of little cardboard horns and ugly hats. The night ended and I turned off the Christmas lights. Or the next door neighbor did, but I meant to. Now there will be anniversaries all year long: The day he was placed in his final resting place. The night I banged my fist against a statue of Mary and wept until I collapsed with anger and exhaustion. The night the dreams finally stopped torturing me and began haunting me. The day his memory stopped bringing me such a deep hurt and finally made me smile again. This year will be better. This year will be the year I recover, I swear it. I will not be held down forever and when I finally get up, this world better watch out. Until then, I will work at it and keep getting up out of bed and remember that Christ really does have everything in control. He really does care. I will feel passion again. It will be in 2011. I feel it.

It must be so hard to be with me for my wife. I don't open up as much as advertised. I keep so much inside and she can't always read me. I feel like I have to grieve in silence because of every precious and innocent person in my life. That is Will's fault. Makes me mad, but he couldn't have seen that coming in his state of mind. I try so hard to search and find the right word to explain what sits in my belly. I can't. I don't have the vocabulary. I don't know how to tell you and my family more importantly how much I need them right now. I just keep treading, failing to feel the thread that Gods has attached to my back to keep me afloat. Here's to 2011. The year of rebound. The year of recovery.


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