Friday, January 14, 2011
Into The Fog
I am the kind of person who needs change. I need for things to look or feel differently every few weeks to keep me excited. To give me something to look forward to. But there is a kind of change I detest. I find it miserable under the sun.
Not me. Other people. People I love. People I invest in. I hate it. Those that are reading this that know me already, know this about me. I have probably tried to talk you out of your dreams just to spare me the mourning of watching you go.
A lot of people have left me. Most have come back, but some I will never see again and that really sucks. It sucks to feel alone, even when it isn't true in the really real world. But in the mind of a very vulnerable and fragile person, feeling alone is all there is sometimes. I hate talking about it...Not because it doesn't help, but because I have readers now. One of the drawbacks to people enjoying what you write is that they come back and read more. I love this. But I feel self-conscious, like I am really annoying. For me it is just typing words into the atmosphere. I am not sitting in your cubicle writing this as you are reading this. I am not at your computer with you. If I were, I fear that I would be really embarrassed and make lame excuses for myself. I am here. Typing the words that magically appear through math in front of my face alone. And God's. I don't know what you are thinking. I don't know what you are feeling. I just know that the Healer is here. He puts His hand on our heads and gives us peace. The tears never seem to stop falling, but He is the One and Only that wipes them from our eyes.
It has been a rough year. I have been busted up in ways I have never been. I have battled so many demons and mostly lost. I have given up for isolated moments when nothing seemed to give me peace. I have wept far too many nights. But God has always been my comforter. He has been present and I have felt Him present. He didn't promise a life without pain. He did promise never to leave and here He is, still sitting here with me. Life is hard. Some of you have experienced pain that cannot be imagined by others. Abuse, neglect, rejection, failure, shattered faith, broken trust. It all hurts. It all takes little pieces of us away and never gives them back. So we struggle and try to get them back, but we can't get them because they aren't ours to get anymore. It is the past. We leave the past where it is and move forward. God hasn't given us a time machine for a very good reason. We are supposed to learn from mistakes and from pain, not erase it. Pain brings good things sometimes. It tells us something is wrong, so we can remedy our sickness. With Christ.
Once again, and I am shouting this now. I don't know why such awful things happen, but I do know that God is good. That's my anthem.
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I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.