Monday, December 20, 2010

Happy Birthday Brother

Happy birthday big brother. 33 today if you were still here. Where you are now, they don't count years. There is no aging or looming ends. Last year, I looked into your eyes and you were somewhere else. I thank God that you are where you wanted to be.

It's been a rough year brother. I have been mad at you more times than I can count. I have thought about you every day. I have a bag in my basement filled with your things. I open it and you seem to still be in there, however I know it is just evidence that you were here. I like to imagine that you still are. Last year today was the last time I saw you breathing. We had so much fun. We played musical chairs and once again it came down to you and me. Once again, we called it a draw. I could never beat you, you could never beat me. It was a battle of wills, but we were both smart enough to disengage before we spent the entire night in battle. Just like in Twister.

I wonder what you are doing now. Your mom believes you are working. Building things. I like that. I hope you have every tool you could ever think of. I still have that one we made with the torch. I took it from your toolbox, hope you don't mind.  I don't know how I have made it here buddy. When you got in your rocket and flew away, I never believed I would survive it. For so very long you and Joe were all I had. But here I am. God wasn't gonna let me go, just like He never left you. My wife and kids and our family have leaned with me. Your aunt made these beautiful pillows for the kids for Christmas. They were made of your t-shirts and pictures of you with each one of them. It was their favorite thing. I don't know what God tells you about what is going on down here, but if you can read this, we are doing OK. We all still grieving in both healthy and unhealthy ways, but we are all different and experience things differently. We sure miss you around here. I had to replace my own faucet last week. A job Laura would have conned you into doing I think.

I watched Aidan play this Christmas song last week at school on the recorder. It was a beautiful song. It brought me to tears. I am proud of those kids, you would be too. A little less twinkle in their eyes. A little less twinkle in the lights this year, but with God's help we are all gonna make it through. We have never been closer as a family, thanks to you. So there are positives.

It is quite beautiful outside right now. Reminds me of when we wanted to start that snow plowing business because it is so pretty and peaceful at night in the winter. I miss you a lot.

"A long December, and there's reason to believe...maybe this year will be better than the last..." Counting Crows


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