Sunday, December 26, 2010


As much as I want to hide, I cannot not write today. All day I have been either sleeping or putting on the mask of the happy Christmas guy that I always was. I did a nice job too. My son said it was the best Christmas ever. Maybe that is just because he doesn't have much in his memory to gauge from, except last year. I have tried very hard to strike dead any memory of any feeling that has re-occurred from last year. The phone ringing, the drive to his house, the sight of the lights blinking in my front yard that night, the feel of the cold rain fall and freeze in my hair. But now I sit here alone. The house is asleep as it should be, as I wanted it to be. Now I will let it in, when no one is looking. 12 months have passed since I have seen him dead or alive. It still hurts just as much, maybe in different ways, but my stomach still drops when I think about him.

Tonight is a quiet night. Drove around looking for Chinese earlier. Nothing was open and no one was on the road. Hard not to sit and remember without stimulation the tears rolling down the window to the pane. The blurred vision as I drove home from his house. The look on his mom's face. Hard to keep it out. In reality, I don't want to keep it out. I have to keep it out. I have to give my kids the absolute greatest memory of Christmas. I can't let my blood seep into theirs. They miss him so much already. Caeden has been mentioning all week how he hopes no one dies this year. This may have contributed to his best Christmas ever declaration. In that sentiment, I agree. I'm thankful for who remains in my life and who I have gained.

Set em up the dead end kids.

May you have a very merry Christmas Will. May you sing songs directly to the face of Jesus. May you build things a man could never imagine with tools never even thought of. May you remember me and smile. You had so much to smile about here, but I can only imagine what you have to make you smile in Heaven. I am glad you aren't hurting anymore. I smile when I think of you now. Took many months to get there though. But the important part is that I am there. You are finally happy and I am making my way back. I am not going back big brother. God is healing me. It was Him who gave me the strength to endure this in the first place, only He knows how much I doubted that He could.

I miss you and will always wish you were still here. I will always think of you when things get quiet. When the moon looks over the lights on Christmas and reflects it's light in beams like lasers from the eyes of God. I will never forget you, especially on Christmas, but I will never forget the Christ that came on this day so you can be with Him. That is what Christmas is all about isn't it.


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