Tuesday, November 9, 2010
There is a difference between a broken heart and a broken spirit. A broken heart is spraining an ankle during a race you have trained your entire life for. A broken spirit is choosing not to finish anyway. I may have had my heart vaporized for the enemy to breathe in and get high off of, but my spirit remains. I will still fight. Something inside me has given me the will to battle.
This is what makes God so special to me. Because the fight is waged with Him. Without Him, I tried to end my own life. With Him, while in the midst of the worst pain I ave ever felt, I feel a quickening to move forward crippled and staggering, and I will drag myself with the help of my God to a place where it isn't so bad anymore. I can't see the destination, but I know it is there, it has to be. God has made a secret promise to my heart that it is up there and I am going to get there.
These past two days have been crushing and I feel every bit shattered under the weight. I have the need to grizzly hibernate until New Years. But I don't have it in me to give up.
You can tell me God isn't real. You can tell me that I have been imagining all that He has done. You can tell me that faith is a coping mechanism. You can tell me you think I am naive. But you can never see through my eyes. You can never feel the power that God sent through me when I finally decided to surrender. You can't taste the tears that soaked through my hair as my heart broke and I let go. I threw up my arms to the sky and opened my once shaking fists to God and asked for help. Help arrived 2000 years ago, and He came back for me. This is the Spirit that reigns inside of me. This is the very thing that pulls me from the belly of the fish with my head wrapped in seaweed to breathe in real air. An air that is inspired, not polluted. The breath of God that enters your nostrils and sustains a life lived in the truth.
I was wounded while singing and searching for other whales. I was bloodied and poached. I will keep swimming and I will keep singing.
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I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.