Monday, October 11, 2010
Hello Darkness My Old Friend
It has been several months since I began taking a decent anti-depressant. I started taking them after Will died because I wasn't sure I could handle depression for no reason and grief. It has been that long since I have had an episode. Until today. It broke through the chemical restraints and my words now run parallel to my eyes.
These days everything is art to me. The sound of a swing set or a rusty gate opening. The way people look in the cars next to me while we wait on a red light. The way waves can sound like music when you listen really hard for it. The beauty of things is why I got attached to my depression in the first place. However, during these times it feels as though my heart is crumbling sand. It can get far too intense. I just want to be alone today. It is hard for me when it is this bad to keep putting on that make-up and wig and dance for everyone.
Sometime in the middle of the night, I thought I heard music and I opened my eyes and began to cry. Partly because I thought I had found a remedy for this, and the other part because I missed it so much. It is like out of nowhere for no particular reason, I miss everyone and everything. I suppose I knew it was coming, re-reading last night's post clued me in a little. I usually don't read my posts after they are written. If I did, I would want to change things and that wouldn't be honest. Let my words be my words at the time I wrote them. I wanted to write in the first place to record an honest memoir of my life. I know, kind of grandiose, but I want to go back and read when I am older and see where God has put me, and how He has survived me.
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I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.