Saturday, September 11, 2010

One Day Closer To December

"With your body and mind...restored, it's good to see you once more." Other Lives

There is a chill in the air. It is getting close to Christmas. This makes it a little more cold. I love the cold weather in Michigan. I love the way the seasons changed and can be matched by no other state. I love the colors that only the northern states get to see. You may have the ocean, but we can the colors. We have the greens and yellows in it's thousands of shades. But now I can't help but be kinda sad.

People do a lot of uncharacteristic things when they are under pressure. Kids run away, people commit crime, try to kill themselves, leave their family, and do things that they swore they would never do. They swore they would never, and they meant it. Yet they did it anyway.

It remindeds me that pressure can be a devastating thing. The pressure to be the right father and the right husband. To be the best friend and the reliable worker. My friend Will was all of these things in my eyes. Some people see different things than I do, but this is what I saw. We used to always tell people that when our wives died, we would go to the same nursing home and act up everyday, just for our twisted entertainment. Hopefully we would have been faking it, which was our plan, but it was a good plan. A plan that will never happen. Memories get rusty. Senses dull and things get foggy. Right now I feel things so hard and in a sense I pray that I will never stop feeling so intensely, but on another hand I still gasp for breath once a day when a memory comes to mind. If I smell car exhaust, or if I see greasy fingers. When I think of Christmas lights or beards. When I breathe in the bite of the air at 5 AM when it is still dark and the cats are sleeping under cars and trains are whistling in the distance. I think of him. It makes me sick for moment, then takes away my breath.

Most days, I just take one step at a time and move forward. Others I can't snap out of it. Some see rainbows and others see more storms coming. I have never been one to see a rainbow.

It is my own attitude problem. Life is a fight for me some days. I make myself get out of bed to see the sun. I move with much effort towards what I am supposed to do. I try to do things without mistakes, but I fail and when I lay down at night, I imagine different things to help me get to sleep.

But then there are the other days, when I see everything God has been sticking in my face. I see Will laughing and remember all of these beautiful times that can never be mimicked or repeated. I remember fishing in the middle of the night. I remember the games we would make up to pass the time. I remember the time we both quit smoking on the same day and I thought he might kill me. I remember that old Escort we used to drive around in. I remember sitting in that garage all night long, sometime happy that the car wouldn't get fixed because I loved to spend time with him.

I am dreadful of Christmas this year.


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