Saturday, July 17, 2010

Throwing Flames

 "When detail lost it's freedom." Brian McBride

This is where we would write our names. This is where we would have laid down beneath the clouds and sent our hearts into the open air. Instead, something whispers miserable things in our ears as we sleep. Something fouls our dreams, disturbing our most vulnerable place.

Nature is both beautiful and cruel. We look at it as a being created that man cannot touch. It's smell and colors bring emotions we cannot control. They remind us of good times and also of bad times. Sometimes the good times are the ones that hurt more than anything we have ever felt. Because they are gone and we cannot ever get them back. Some call this regret. I don't buy it. I believe some things about life are so beautiful they are to be missed when they are gone. That is what makes life so beautiful. It's passing moments of undefined greatness and beauty. We feel things our words cannot describe and we cherish them for eternity.

It isn't ever going to go away. I can take pills. I can think of only good things. I can try my best to dwell on the blessings God has given me, which is more than anything I could have imagined. But this hole will not be filled. I am not sure it is supposed to. But I feel bad for feeling this way when millions are really going through hell. I guess that's part of the way I see things and adds to the emptiness I feel for no reason sometimes. I am never getting over Will. He has been dead now for almost 7 months and I still see him in the night when my eyes are closed. He speaks to me in my dreams, and tells me things I don't want to hear. Lost my best friend. Lost my brother. Lost a big part of who I am, or was.

I went through a short phase where I just wanted to mimic him. Got a mohawk that he was famous for. Bought skater shoes that I had never been interested in. It is over now, but I just wanted to remind myself of him all the time. Remind myself that I still had to fight for his kids. If I had died, he would die before my kids went without a positive father figure. So I will fight for them, no matter how bad it hurts. I will be silent when I need to be. And I will throw flames when protection is needed. I only hope and pray that he knows that I do it for God, for his kids, and for him.


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