Saturday, July 3, 2010
Tough week. A lot of dreams. A lot of anger. Feels like I am barely hanging on at times. Then I remember the little things. Even if the dreams are bad, it is still nice to see him. In real life, I only get memories. At least in the dreams I am getting something new and unique to me. I get to see him smile and look me right into my eyes.
Aevry prayed two days ago before bed for Jesus to let Will come back. I nearly threw up. Then the next day, she found an ice cube on the floor perfectly shaped like a heart. Aevry and her hearts have spoken so much to me through this. I praise my God for that.
I go to this little Catholic church a few blocks from me when I need to be alone for a while. I ran full speed a couple days ago to burn off some anger. I got there and screamed my head off. I like the statue of Mary that sits in the garden there. I always did like religious statues. Not because I think they are mystical or have any power, but because they always represent victory and dominion. A statue of Mary stepping on the serpent. Truth is as Christ paid for us, he gave us the same dominion over evil. We will prevail and for those who profess Christ, we have already. It is a nice reminder that we can't always lose and our plight here is temporary. Makes me want to keep fighting harder. To have more heart. To remember those little feet above. They are marching with me and standing with me, holding my hand. My wife and kids are weathering this with me unwilling to falter. Hit us, we will fall down and bleed, but we will get right back up and stand in your face with the strength of God. With my face in the mud, I hear their voices and I lift my head. You could never hold me down.
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I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.