Thursday, April 29, 2010

Take It

What is the difference between sadness and misery?

We were talking in our small group about it as we studied Ecclesiastes. Some are sad for a time, then fight to get out of it and smile again. Others choose to live in that dark place. We set up camp there because it is where we are most comfortable. Misery is choosing to live in that dark place.

I met with Will's mom for lunch the other day. It is amazing how God is working in her. He has given her the desire and inclination to give all of her anger and sorrow to God. In speaking to her, I have realized that I have not really done that. I have prayed and asked God to pull me out of this. To lift me up as I cannot walk. But never once have I asked God to take it all on Himself. To fight the battle for me. I haven't really given over my anger and rage or my misery and guilt to Him...The only solution to it. So I am doing so now. This is my prayer: Take my heart as it bleeds. Take my anger because it's fire burns as hell burns within me. Take my guilt because I cannot go back and change a single thing I did or did not do. Take my sadness because it is much more than I could ever bare. Take my grief because what the world has lost is greater than what it deserved. Take it all. I don't want it anymore.

I want to have good memories of Will and smile instead of feeling my heart sink and my world crashing down. I want to do the things he never did, but always wanted to do because that is what he would want me to do. I want to play music again. I want to hold on to the wonderful person who filled my life with laughter and love, not the guy that suffered so much.

Through so much loss, I have gained though. Jo Ann helped me see that. I have gained a mother, a father, a sister, cousins, and a deeper love for me brothers. I realize the things that are important when before I lost my way.

So take it all God. I don't want it.

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  1. At least through all the tough times, you can still see God working. That's something to hold on to.