Saturday, April 17, 2010


The whole house is sleeping. Caeden and Aidan (Will's 7 year old) are sleeping peacefully in the basement after a long night of laughing. Aevry and Laura are right down the wall. Aevry is breathing heavily as usual. The windows are open and the wind is blowing the drapes forward and filling the living room with cold air. The microwave clock is 4 minutes fast and keeps telling me to go to bed. The heater is on my lap fighting the draft with every watt it drains from the earth. I am sitting on the couch surrounded by life in repose. Again.

It has been a tough week. Things have been hard for me. Even the simple tasks have taken their toll. I can't get my mind off of Will. My dreams have been filled with oddities and strange happenings. I have angry thoughts and can't shake them. Thoughts that remind me that I am not a very forgiving person lately. This is a condition of my attitude that must change soon. Anger hurts only yourself. It doesn't matter if I am right and they are wrong, they don't care and I am the only one thinking about it. So it hurts only me.

The street lights are out in front of my house, making it too dark to make out the small shapes that pass beneath my front window. Probably stray cats the crazy cat lady has forgotten about, roaming the streets when everyone is sleeping. When the lights are out I feel alone. No one else seems to be doing the same thing I am, and that makes me sad; or happy depending on the night. Sometimes I want everyone to see me struggle like I were a fish in the bottom of a boat, flipping around and gasping for air waiting for the knife to separate me from my bones. Other days, I just want to blend in and be the clown, performing the circus tricks that make everyone laugh and have a really nice time. It is a toss up lately which of the two I will be that day. Sometimes I want to stop traffic and make everyone mad at me, just to remind everyone that I am here, and other days I could crawl into a small box on a boat in the middle of the ocean and just exist alone with no one but God to listen to my ramblings. Loneliness can be a really loyal friend if you embrace it.

I love to listen to the second hand tick like a metronome, cutting the silence 60 times a minute, taking that much time off of my life. I often wonder what I can do in all that time I have been sitting here, if given to me at the end of my life. Is life Purgatory? Are we just waiting for Heaven?

I refuse to sit and wait. Living life with a mission is what life is all about. I may be in a waiting room, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't stay busy.


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