Thursday, March 25, 2010

Still Walking

The last time I walked this path, it was in a snow storm. I walked backwards so no one could follow my tracks...I didn't want to be found. I wanted to be alone with God. I am sitting beside a ten foot statue of Mary praying to her own Son. Even Mary needed redemption.

This has been one of the hardest weeks for me since Will has been gone. I just can't get him out of my head, even my dreams. I can't see an end at all. You don't lose someone this important and get to live normally. My wife was right...I will never be the same person and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I value life too much. Maybe I love my life and am in danger of losing it. Maybe I should long for Heaven more and more every day. Isn't it better to be with God?

I hate the emptiness I feel sometimes. It feels like I lost everything when I have everything. I pray to God for better days, but they have yet to come. So here I am sitting on a bench, praying for the mercy of God Himself, wishing I had a second chance at life to change my actions. I won't get that chance. No one does and it really sucks.

I feel alone, but I am not. I am alive. I sit here and breathe and that is a miracle because I have never felt such pain. God is at work. God has humbled me to dust. I am nothing, but His work in me is something.


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