I would call you now...if you were anywhere near here.
But your not. You are happy in Heaven and to be honest, sometimes that makes me mad at you. You are there and I am here. I did nothing but love you and you left by yourself and get to be happy while I am so sad. Can't get it out of my head today. It is a disease that festers and grows. I have no defense. I am Ok most days for most hours, but for now I am not Ok. Today has been a battle between me and guilt and anger.
I deserve a lot in this world, even death, but I just can't seem to see what I did to deserve this. Not that God hands out heartache on a merit basis, but because I am tired of things going badly for me and not knowing why. I try so hard. I pray so much. I analyze myself and point out my own faults and try to fix them. I make an honest life. So why do I have to suffer this?
I bet Job asked the same question. I am not Job. So I guess I get the same answer. I still don't like it.
I will try tonight and sit and think of something good, so I can get by, but I sure don't want to. I want to fall apart tonight. Although I hope to see him again as an old man walking through those gates to him like a long lost loved one through an airport tunnel, I want to see him now. Right now!
I wish I could think of the positives instead of the negatives, because there are so many good things God has given me.
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