Day 7 of the Zombie on zombie pills, and that is exactly how I feel. Just walking around aimlessly. I don't care about anything I usually love to do and don't have any motivation for anything. I am just short of drooling I think. Hopefully this isn't how I am supposed to feel. I hope this isn't what normal feels like or I pity the normal. I need to feel intensely, I just don't need to feel so bad so intensely all the time.
I had another dream where he was still alive last night, the second in two nights. Last night's was really vivid. We were driving around in an 80's convertible Firebird with the top down. We were discussing casually the things of our youth. I was nervous about bringing up the suicide attempt. I thought it might be too soon, but I asked anyways if he had had a chance to see his funeral. He said no, and I told him thousands of people were there, which was only a slight exaggeration. I asked him how he was sitting here right now. I watched them put his ashes which were in a little square box into the vault and seal it shut. How could he be here right now. I reasoned with myself in my dream about this, maybe trying to give myself a hint that it isn't real, it is a dream and when I wake up, I will be crushed. He told me he had no idea, that he just appeared here. I then knew it. My eyes opened again to the same miserable sun pouring through my curtains into my eyes that hardly open lately. I rolled over and stretched my sore back and closed them again. Blocked out all of the world for a while longer and it faded away. I have tried not to revisit the dream all day, but I can't keep him out, I can't keep the intense desire to see him again out of my subconscious and out of my heart. He attacks me when I am most vulnerable as I lay on my pillow unguarded. I am waiting for God to open up the clouds for me again, but I fear that time is further down the road.
Seeing the doctor today to find out when I can feel better. This is worse than the symptoms right now. But I believe still. God is in control and always has been. He is enough. He is good. He is mighty. He cares. There is no better story than that, no greater hope, no brighter future. My God is here with me. It is a trade off. I'll talk about that more tomorrow.
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