Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Trade Off

My first therapist told me, "I am surprised you are still alive." I am not. My God is bigger than anything I could do. If you asked me if I still believe in miracles, the answer is still yes. Even if He didn't save Will's life here on earth. He did in fact save him for Heaven and eternity. The trade off is Heaven and it is greater than earth.

I have seen my fair share of heartbreak and suffering. I do not own the corner on suffering, do not get me wrong. But I have seen darkness many times. I have tasted despair and hopelessness. I have been beaten and bruised. I have been left for dead and scraps. I have slept in my car. I have slept in a tent. I have felt the cold steal of train tracks beneath my neck. I have held the blade to my arms. I have been tormented in dreams and in lucid realms. I have given my body over to the world to destroy. I have been left and rejected, thrown out like some piece of breathing, bleeding garbage. I know what it feels like to be alone and I know how it feels to think no one loves you. I know how it feels to want to leap from your flesh and be somewhere else. I know betrayal. I know the inside of a cell. I know what a man's head looks like when they walk away from you, from their own. I know the feeling in the pit of your stomach when it drops and you gasp for breath. I know all about the color grey.

But more importantly.

I know a Savior.

Who put His finger on a struggling little boy throwing up the football to himself and running under it, pretending to score a touchdown. Who watched in agony as that little boy was hurting and put through torturous pain. Who watched that little boy pray for mercy on a dryer as he laid on it's hot steel for comfort. Who let that boy wreck himself to bring him to his absolute bottom, so that he would finally hear and see his need for a Savior. Who lifted that kid off the tracks and coddled Him in His arms as He wept with him and taught Him what it means to live a life with hope. Who gave him a wife he never deserved and 3 beautiful children who are the shine in his eyes. Who gave him friends like Will to love for eternity, even if they are not with us.

These things are greater than my loss. It is a trade off. I may experience pain and suffer, but Christ has blessed me with everything and given me eternity. For what I have lost, I have gained eternally. Because of this I will sit in Heaven with my best friend and drink God's wine with joy and happiness.


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  1. This is beautiful, Adam, and so true.

  2. God has given you the gift of being a great writer and you have chosen to USE that gift for HIS glory. You have chosen, to reveal what God has done in YOU by being completely translucent. That is COURAGEOUS! Again, I admire you, Adam!

  3. Your BEST post ever. So very beautiful.

  4. Wow..with tear filled eyes..just Wow!! I loved this post...amazing! So true and so beautiful... Thank you Adam, your writing touches me so much!