I took the last few days off of writing to collect my thoughts and get myself together. I feel good. The medication is doing it's job for now. I feel like I can live again. I struggle with guilt for being OK, and I feel bad that I don't feel that bad. It is alright to live again, to go on with my life and give the ones who are alive around me, a better me. I had a bad day yesterday, the first in a while. I just miss my friend, that's all. I don't feel anger or guilt. I don't feel regret or alone. I just miss my friend.
But I can't help but to think about all that God has given me. I was laying in the bath tub and looking up at the paint chipping off of the ceiling of my modest house and realized how much I have. It may not be much of a home to some who are used to much more, but it is my home, filled with my people. It was given to me from God and I feel safe with all He has given me. My wife has been beaten up and drug down with me every time I have been in darkness and she deserves more. I can't even begin to figure out a proper thank you, to her and mostly to God, so I will just say thanks. A knowing glance or a nod of the head are not enough to give them, but it is all I have right now. I have never been so emptied out before. I believe now is the time to be filled up again. To breathe without constraint. To be sad without being crippled.
Eccl. 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Maybe it's a time to dance now. A time to be born. A time to plant. The time to mourn is over. I will not be held down anymore. I will dearly miss my brother every day of my life, but I will live life full of the grace and mercy and joy of Christ.
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