Wednesday, February 24, 2010
It's been a rough day. I want to feel more intensely today. I know that sounds dumb to most people, but when you have been a certain way for long enough, it becomes who you are. It becomes your friend that no one can take away, even if you wanted them to. It sits in your mind, even when barricaded by chemicals prescribed by people that don't understand the desire to be sick. There is no pill that will take what happened away. Some days I just want to be wrong. To be abnormally destroyed. Seems like every song that ever reminded me of Will has been played today. Every memory has come flooding back and I love it, but it hurts. I want my friend to come back, that's all. I want to be invincible again, like we were when we were kids. I want to go shoot ducks with blow darts and put our night's fish bounty in the video store drop box. I want to play top five on the pier at Horse Island. I want to take apart a car and walk away from the project with the pieces everywhere. I want to build rockets again, with him.
Right now, I could not put into words how much I hate the devil. I hate his lies. I hate the guilt he enjoys watching me feel. I hate that I didn't take my opportunities to save Will, so for that, I guess I am angry at myself. 20/20 hindsight is no excuse for carelessness.
However, with every passing day, I fear death less. I used to shrink at the thought of it. Dying. Closing your eyes and entering the unknown. I know I would see Heaven, but it still brings me fear because I am human. I think about seeing him there every day and am so excited. I want to see Christ, then I want to see Will. I am going to hug him with every fast twitch muscle fiber in my body, then kick him in the privates for what he did to us. I have actually prayed that God tell him I love him and miss him, and also slap his privates and tell him how mad I am, and that I am coming for him.
I am just so glad he doesn't hurt anymore. He is laughing now and that makes me cry with joy. No one can break him there. No one can shatter his heart anymore. He is perfect now. He is not resting in peace. He is dancing with joy.
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I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.