Saturday, February 27, 2010

There Go My Heroes

People grow up mimicking their heroes. When I was young I wanted to be Walter Payton, Steve Yzerman, Barry Sanders, and Michael Jordan. Now things have changed. As we grow older we get different role models. As a teenager, mine were Clayton Ring, my youth pastor. Jim Stewart, my friend. And Will. Here are my heroes now.

Laura- She is the wife that I could never have deserved. She cares, protects, and loves me for who I am.

My mother- She raised two fatherless kids on her own, without help from our fathers.

Jo-Ann- She was there for me when I needed more than I had. She lost her son, yet has inspired me to think as God would.

Jim Doederlein (The dad that I didn't have)- He once drove me around and paid all of my fines, so I could have a license again. He paid for my rehearsal dinner like a father would and has always treated me as his son.

Audrey- She has the biggest heart of all. She lets herself love, even when she knows her heart will be broken. This is beautiful and not replaceable.

Joe- He is my brother. We share everything. He my heart even when we don't see eye to eye. He has a loyalty most have no desire to have.

Will- You loved your family. Even when times were hard, you were faithful. You were the man, I wanted to be. I truly looked up to you. You are a huge part of who I am right now.

These are the people God put in my life to save me.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Rough Day

Musical Chairs.

It's been a rough day. I want to feel more intensely today. I know that sounds dumb to most people, but when you have been a certain way for long enough, it becomes who you are. It becomes your friend that no one can take away, even if you wanted them to. It sits in your mind, even when barricaded by chemicals prescribed by people that don't understand the desire to be sick. There is no pill that will take what happened away. Some days I just want to be wrong. To be abnormally destroyed. Seems like every song that ever reminded me of Will has been played today. Every memory has come flooding back and I love it, but it hurts. I want my friend to come back, that's all. I want to be invincible again, like we were when we were kids. I want to go shoot ducks with blow darts and put our night's fish bounty in the video store drop box. I want to play top five on the pier at Horse Island. I want to take apart a car and walk away from the project with the pieces everywhere. I want to build rockets again, with him.

Right now, I could not put into words how much I hate the devil. I hate his lies. I hate the guilt he enjoys watching me feel. I hate that I didn't take my opportunities to save Will, so for that, I guess I am angry at myself. 20/20 hindsight is no excuse for carelessness.

However, with every passing day, I fear death less. I used to shrink at the thought of it. Dying. Closing your eyes and entering the unknown. I know I would see Heaven, but it still brings me fear because I am human. I think about seeing him there every day and am so excited. I want to see Christ, then I want to see Will. I am going to hug him with every fast twitch muscle fiber in my body, then kick him in the privates for what he did to us. I have actually prayed that God tell him I love him and miss him, and also slap his privates and tell him how mad I am, and that I am coming for him.

I am just so glad he doesn't hurt anymore. He is laughing now and that makes me cry with joy. No one can break him there. No one can shatter his heart anymore. He is perfect now. He is not resting in peace. He is dancing with joy.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hello! (With Echoes)

Getting tired of the winter. This is the usual occurrence for most people in the midwest, but not for me. I love the winter and I love the snow, it isn't like me to want out of this season. Maybe it is this year's circumstances or maybe it is the medication that is making me want a sunny day, but it would be nice to get one.

However, Laura and I are going to Vegas to visit Andy (Vernon on here) at the end of March so that is something to look forward to, and hopefully Heather and Mike in Texas in the summer. Here's to hoping for a great year. It is weird because I have put all of my goals on hold for the year until now. I am just getting around to looking forward in my life. Until now, I have been in limbo, crippled and unable to move forward for anything. It is nice to be here again.

It is a strange feeling to stand completely still and watch the world move around you at lightning speed. It feels lonely and sad to be standing still paralyzed by the past. It sucks to feel pain every time I think about Will. But lately, I have been able to think about him and smile and feel good. I think I am going to be fine.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Time To Dance

I took the last few days off of writing to collect my thoughts and get myself together. I feel good. The medication is doing it's job for now. I feel like I can live again. I struggle with guilt for being OK, and I feel bad that I don't feel that bad. It is alright to live again, to go on with my life and give the ones who are alive around me, a better me. I had a bad day yesterday, the first in a while. I just miss my friend, that's all. I don't feel anger or guilt. I don't feel regret or alone. I just miss my friend.

But I can't help but to think about all that God has given me. I was laying in the bath tub and looking up at the paint chipping off of the ceiling of my modest house and realized how much I have. It may not be much of a home to some who are used to much more, but it is my home, filled with my people. It was given to me from God and I feel safe with all He has given me. My wife has been beaten up and drug down with me every time I have been in darkness and she deserves more. I can't even begin to figure out a proper thank you, to her and mostly to God, so I will just say thanks. A knowing glance or a nod of the head are not enough to give them, but it is all I have right now. I have never been so emptied out before. I believe now is the time to be filled up again. To breathe without constraint. To be sad without being crippled.

Eccl. 3:1   There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Maybe it's a time to dance now. A time to be born. A time to plant. The time to mourn is over. I will not be held down anymore. I will dearly miss my brother every day of my life, but I will live life full of the grace and mercy and joy of Christ.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

In Your Freedom

There is a bridge in this cool Hillsong track that says, "In Your freedom, I will live."

For me there aren't any more sincere words of prayer I can utter. These are the words of life in song. Freedom is everything. We fight and die for it. We give our children over to the gun for it. These are inalienable rights given by our God for both His and our delight.

One Friday, a man born in a stable breathed His last and gave up His Spirit to His Father. In doing so, the enemy was defeated. The war was over. We put down our guns and bowed before our fallen and risen King of Creation. This was no ordinary execution, this was eternal life passed to us through the blood and tears of the One Innocent one. This freedom is eternal.

So why do we still live defeated? Why do we take up arms and fight for ourselves? Our defenses stand firm against the defeated. Fighting the good fight isn't about fighting alone with iron and steal, it is about relying wholly on God. That is why God's armor is symbolic of His things, because He is our defense. Some just can't seem to learn to live as free men and women. I am one of them too often.

In Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman gets set free from prison to find out that he has no idea what freedom looks like and how to live as a free man. He has been told when to pee for the whole of his life and now he has a choice in all things. He chooses to hang himself because he can't figure it out. This is a common story for humanity. Last month, Steve Glisan, a writer for, a website fighting the cause of pornography committed suicide. He struggled and lost his family before and was not willing to lose them again, so they lost him. He knew Jesus, but didn't understand what freedom he had. When I say freedom, I don't mean we have the freedom to do whatever we want and not worry about it. I mean, when we mess up and fail a million times, our sin is paid for my Christ for those who have placed their faith in Him. Nothing is stronger than what Jesus did on that cross and nothing can take you from His arms or separate you from His love. When we fail, we feel bad. This is guilt and guilt is good. It is what helps us remember why we shouldn't go on sinning. Then we walk away in repentance, trusting in God for our forgiveness and grace and work on sinning no more. After one who is addicted to sin, sins so many times, they can start believing they are far beyond what Christ did. This is shame and shame is bad. Shame is what causes us to continue sinning because we give up because we are bad. Guilt leads to repentance, and shame leads sin which leads to death. Christ didn't come so you could be ashamed. He came so we could have life and have it to the fullest measure.

On the cross, Jesus used the word TETELESTAI, which means it is finished, or the debt is paid. When Jesus said it is finished, He meant it.

If you struggle, remember that nothing will separate you from the love of God. Remember that Jesus came and died so you can have real life. Get help. Leave your pride at the door and get help. Rely on Christ and those He has put around you for support and do not believe the lie that you are beyond what Christ did. This is living in freedom.

I saw this quote somewhere, but don't know who said it, so cheers to the unknown author. "The religious man fears hell, the Christian walks through it."


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Cost

So I have been feeling better lately. Really better. I have been sad at times, but I can shake it off. I am an easier person to be around. My friends prefer this Zombie to That one. However, not much good in life is free. Salvation is. Love is. A good mood, only for some people. The medication I am on currently has some really major side effects that mess up my day to day. Real deal breaking ones. So here is the dilemma: I can keep on the meds and feel better with these deal breaking side effects and have drastic life changes. I could stop taking the meds, accept my sadness at times, and move forward. Or Give them another month or so and see what happens.

The pros:
1. I feel better
2. I can shake off sad thoughts
3. My friends like me more
4. I bring my wife less anxiety

The Cons:
1. In some ways I feel worse
2. Some side effects won't go away
3. Drugs are expensive
4. Drugs can and usually shorten your life even if they improve the quality of

I think I will give them another couple of weeks. Please pray because here is the best case scenario: I get better and the side effects go away. The drug company gives me the pills for free because they like me. Sad thoughts run from me. My wife gets to keep her sanity. And I live to be 109.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Trade Off

My first therapist told me, "I am surprised you are still alive." I am not. My God is bigger than anything I could do. If you asked me if I still believe in miracles, the answer is still yes. Even if He didn't save Will's life here on earth. He did in fact save him for Heaven and eternity. The trade off is Heaven and it is greater than earth.

I have seen my fair share of heartbreak and suffering. I do not own the corner on suffering, do not get me wrong. But I have seen darkness many times. I have tasted despair and hopelessness. I have been beaten and bruised. I have been left for dead and scraps. I have slept in my car. I have slept in a tent. I have felt the cold steal of train tracks beneath my neck. I have held the blade to my arms. I have been tormented in dreams and in lucid realms. I have given my body over to the world to destroy. I have been left and rejected, thrown out like some piece of breathing, bleeding garbage. I know what it feels like to be alone and I know how it feels to think no one loves you. I know how it feels to want to leap from your flesh and be somewhere else. I know betrayal. I know the inside of a cell. I know what a man's head looks like when they walk away from you, from their own. I know the feeling in the pit of your stomach when it drops and you gasp for breath. I know all about the color grey.

But more importantly.

I know a Savior.

Who put His finger on a struggling little boy throwing up the football to himself and running under it, pretending to score a touchdown. Who watched in agony as that little boy was hurting and put through torturous pain. Who watched that little boy pray for mercy on a dryer as he laid on it's hot steel for comfort. Who let that boy wreck himself to bring him to his absolute bottom, so that he would finally hear and see his need for a Savior. Who lifted that kid off the tracks and coddled Him in His arms as He wept with him and taught Him what it means to live a life with hope. Who gave him a wife he never deserved and 3 beautiful children who are the shine in his eyes. Who gave him friends like Will to love for eternity, even if they are not with us.

These things are greater than my loss. It is a trade off. I may experience pain and suffer, but Christ has blessed me with everything and given me eternity. For what I have lost, I have gained eternally. Because of this I will sit in Heaven with my best friend and drink God's wine with joy and happiness.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Zombie On Zombie Pills

Day 7 of the Zombie on zombie pills, and that is exactly how I feel. Just walking around aimlessly. I don't care about anything I usually love to do and don't have any motivation for anything. I am just short of drooling I think. Hopefully this isn't how I am supposed to feel. I hope this isn't what normal feels like or I pity the normal. I need to feel intensely, I just don't need to feel so bad so intensely all the time.

I had another dream where he was still alive last night, the second in two nights. Last night's was really vivid. We were driving around in an 80's convertible Firebird with the top down. We were discussing casually the things of our youth. I was nervous about bringing up the suicide attempt. I thought it might be too soon, but I asked anyways if he had had a chance to see his funeral. He said no, and I told him thousands of people were there, which was only a slight exaggeration. I asked him how he was sitting here right now. I watched them put his ashes which were in a little square box into the vault and seal it shut. How could he be here right now. I reasoned with myself in my dream about this, maybe trying to give myself a hint that it isn't real, it is a dream and when I wake up, I will be crushed. He told me he had no idea, that he just appeared here. I then knew it. My eyes opened again to the same miserable sun pouring through my curtains into my eyes that hardly open lately. I rolled over and stretched my sore back and closed them again. Blocked out all of the world for a while longer and it faded away. I have tried not to revisit the dream all day, but I can't keep him out, I can't keep the intense desire to see him again out of my subconscious and out of my heart. He attacks me when I am most vulnerable as I lay on my pillow unguarded. I am waiting for God to open up the clouds for me again, but I fear that time is further down the road.

Seeing the doctor today to find out when I can feel better. This is worse than the symptoms right now. But I believe still. God is in control and always has been. He is enough. He is good. He is mighty. He cares. There is no better story than that, no greater hope, no brighter future. My God is here with me. It is a trade off. I'll talk about that more tomorrow.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Had a rough weekend. Went to the psychiatrist who put me on anti-depressants. They make me feel blank but should last no more than six weeks and should start feeling positive effects in two weeks. Just kind of staring off lately, not much to me right now. I feel sterile, which is no way to live. You can't enjoy life without germs.

Caeden came home from school with this picture above he drew of his uncle Will. Said he cried at school and his teacher suggested drawing it, but was able to calm down by himself which is really good. He is a strong little guy. Perfect to me.

Life is moving fast. It is really hard to keep up at the pace I am currently traveling at, but maybe I don't need to catch up. Maybe simpler and slower is better.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.