Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Prior to my own attempt at suicide, Will used to tell me my eyes freaked him out. Will thought I might be the anti-Christ because they were always so empty. I never understood what he was talking about, I never saw it before. Until right now as I look at him. Last time I saw him, he was so empty, I took him from the CMB party just to get him into a new atmosphere, because his eyes freaked me out.
Going to see a guy today. Gonna sit behind his desk and tell him everything wrong with me. He will write some stuff down and put it in a folder for his cabinet full of trophies and sorrow. He will then tell me the answer I have been looking for my whole life and I will be solved. Or maybe he will help just a little. Either way, I have hopes. The mornings are the most difficult to deal with lately. It is a battle to get out of bed, a real battle. To get up, eat breakfast and venture down into the crypt I keep my desk in. This place has become synonymous for tears since Will died, it was the only place I could escape so I don't ruin the holidays for my kids seeing me fall into piles. It isn't getting any better, it just has changed. While before it was an outward sadness that was expressed through the inability to breathe at certain moments and weeping at others. Now it is underlying and crippling. There is weight in Laura and I. We carry it as gracefully as we know how, but weight is weight. My movements are slow, and my reflexes delayed. I guess this is what it feels like to lose a vital organ.
Things have quieted down around us, but we still sit silently in the valley of the shadow of death wishing we could take it all back and change everything. Instead we are trying to finally put his body to rest on Sunday. Finally. It bothers me so much that his remains are still in transit, but we found a beautiful place to lay him down. A place surrounded by water, a lighthouse, and a bridge. It will make an excellent place for me to hide. I miss my friend so much.
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I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.