You cannot glorify God without being poured out. Jesus exposed himself time and time again to us through His life, in the Garden, in tragedy, in loss, and in death. I do not believe we can live lives that are closed and guarded and be at peace with ourselves. Will was a hider and a runner. Instead of meeting the problem and fighting, he would generally hide the problem inward and run from it until it was far enough away for it to never catch him. Only when we run, our problems run faster, they catch up. I try to spill myself on here because I need to, not because I want to. It is hard to write down what is going on in me for perfect strangers to see and possibly judge me for. I do it because I believe that Christ's work shows itself when we are laid barren and have put aside all that we hold on to. I want nothing holding me back and nothing keeping my from shining. I don't feel shiny and I right about now I don't feel real joy, but I know that God shines and reigns through me.
I hate this world most days and can't understand why all of the heartache exists. I can't answer why a guy like Will would choose to leave us, I have no clue why we can walk through the halls of a cancer ward and find innocent little children bald and scared. The weight feels so heavy sometimes. The Bible says that the whole Creation is groaning as in the pain of childbirth right up to this present time for our adoption as sons. The groaning is sometimes so hard to bare. But I believe that when we let out our hurt and show a dying world that Christ reigns through our sorrows and weeps when we weep, brushes His own tears back with ours...Then people see and know that something great and beautiful loves them deeply. For that very reason I will give you my soul here. Every filthy part of me belongs to the world to help tell the story of God and His work in me.
I am devastated and broken more than I ever have been and day by day, more keeps coming, but God is good. I look at my wife and my children and know that the fear and hopelessness Will felt in that garage is missing here. I have to be everything God wants me to be.
Will was a good man. He loved God and he loved all of the people in his life. He just wasn't willing to share his pain with us, he was too scared and too embarrassed. Over the next few days I will be sharing some stories of the great times we had together because you need to see who he really was, not where he ended up.
Whatever the thing that keeps you back and in chains, share it with someone you love and trust, or absolutely everyone. Let your fear go and your anonymity and just let it out. Pour yourself out and watch God reign in your life.
Regardless of my pain I will still:
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