Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind.
I can do this to infinity and I won't be satisfied, and it won't change a single solitary second of the past. Laura said something in passing as she left for work the other day that sat heavy in me. She asked me not to punish myself all night alone. I denied it and she left saying only, "Yes you are." I am. Joe is. Proof was tonight when Joe came to my curb in heaps. Wishing he had done everything differently. Ashamed that he didn't do all the right things. And willing to spend the rest of his life in misery to make up for it somehow. I think we make up for what we missed by living our lives the best and happiest we know how. Right now I have no idea what that looks like, but I do know I will figure it out. God will move me as He always does and I will emerge from these ashes beaten up, bloody, and crushed, but alive and so happy to be. I am beating myself up. I feel ashamed to laugh. Ashamed to forget for one minute of the day what Will is to me and how much I lost.
But then I picture him in Heaven with all of that laughing, and his huge smile that made everyone else smile. He is watching the tapes of all the fun we had, all of the golden moments we shared. Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. He is laughing and clapping his hands like a poor fool who just won the lottery everyday for eternity. These thoughts make me feel better. I hate that he hurt so bad and I hate that he didn't share it with me. But he isn't hurting now and although we will never get over our the loss of our brother, we will be happy.
If I were Christ, I would never give him back to us anyway.
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