Saturday, January 2, 2010


And the whole world celebrates and goes on as normal, leaving 2009 behind and marching toward a better 2010. Except for those who have been permanently scarred by the events of 2009. At midnight the ball dropped and sirens went off as people embraced and kissed and laughed. But me and Joe (Will's brother) (Gumby on this blog) glanced at each other as we drank Will's favorite drink, one which tasted so much like cough medicine. I wonder if we will ever be the same?

A couple days after Will passed away, I had this dream that has haunted me and brought me comfort all the same. Will was driving his old Oldsmobile, I was in the passenger seat, and Caeden was in the backseat. We were approaching my house and slowing down when Will slammed his foot against the pedal and sped up to a ridiculous speed heading straight for a parked car. I could not move, I yelled for him to stop, but he didn't respond. I watched as the car came closer and closer and before impact, Caeden said, I love you dad." "I said I loved him back and looked forward but could do nothing to stop Will from slamming us into this car and killing us all. Just before we were to hit, a ramp came up from the ground and we jumped the car and landed into a much busier road. Every time we were about to crash a ramp came up and we jumped the obstacle. I then woke.

In that car I was just as helpless as I was when Will killed himself, however God saved us. I have to believe God saved Will too. I have to. I believe that Will is sitting in Heaven right now happy. I was always raised in churches that taught that suicide was a punched ticket to hell. Yet the Bible says nothing of the sort. Suicide is sick and wrong, but it is not more powerful than the cross. God used me in Will's life to show him to Christ. I believe that now. I didn't at the time because there seemed to never be anything I could do to help him. However, I watched him pray. I saw him read his Bible when no one was watching. I saw how he loved to serve and help other people. He was just deceived by our known enemy into believing a lie that would take him from his family and friends and those like me who were a hybrid version of both.

I am not angry anymore, I just want my friend back, my brother back. I am not alone in that sentiment as there were not enough seats for all of the people who came to say goodbye to his body one more time. They all have the same story about Will. He was a rockstar with the heart of glass, who was broken too much.

I just want to tell you Will, if God will let you know this: I am sorry for missing it. I am sorry I did not kick in your door when you called me. I am sorry if I left you alone when you needed me. I love you as I love myself. I miss you. I will never forget you. I will help take care of your family. Goodbye.


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  1. oh, adam, my heart breaks for you. all of you. there are no words...

  2. We love you Adam.

    Just wanted you to know that.

    Brian and I have not been the same since we read about Will.

    We are so sorry.

  3. Continued prayers...

    So very sorry...I am glad you are able to write your feelings out..and hope it is in some way giving you comfort...glad you didn't hold on to the anger for long... God is great ...cling to him when you need him the most..for he will never fail you.

    Big Hugs!

  4. it is so hard to know what to say at a time like this. nothing seems adequate or encouraging enough. however, i believe like you, that God saves those who are in despair, including those that take their own life. i know that you will see him again.

  5. I think that when a person takes there own life they are not in the right frame of mind, therefore not accountable, so even if they were not saved they are in heaven. That is my hope for my brother.

    But I also believe if someone is saved and still commits suicide they are in heaven, yes it's a sin, but I sin everyday and I know I will be with Jesus one day.

    I am in tears at the loss for your family, and thoughts of my brother as well.

  6. I agree Becky. Thanks everyone for your kind words!

  7. I completely agree with Becky's words. I grew up in church where I too was told suicide is a sin ... but even as a child, something told me that just wasn't true.

    Folks will say judgmental things ... sad.

  8. I'm so sorry adam...tears started to form all the way over here in korea. I love you guys and I'll keep you in my prayers as well.