1:20 Am. Day wasn't quite as bad as I feared it would be. Will's mom stopped by and gave me a necklace and cross she bought me with a little of Will's ashes inside. That was really kind of her. Got to speak to an old friend for a while, which was also nice except for the circumstances in which we spoke...obviously. Caeden was watching TV and I was having a conversation with Aevry about Jesus being inside of us when he started to cry really differently than I usually see him cry. Took him a minute to get out the words, "I miss Will." But when he did, I held him. He didn't react at all when Will died, even after witnessing the phone call on Christmas morning. It worried me a bit that he acted as if it didn't phase him. It did phase him. Took him a minute to realize uncle Will wasn't coming back, ever, but it affected him. He cried like a baby for a while and I tried to joke and be an idiot to cheer him up, and it didn't work, so I got him M&M's. I thought the night was going to be a miserable one, but Laura stayed up late with me and we watched TV together which took my mind away for a while. Now I sit here alone and the house is sleeping.
It is weird to go on with the day and be distracted until you realize your brother has just killed himself. I go ahead and do the dumb thing by picturing his face and draw pictures of him in my head as he struggled to keep himself from that rope, but I can't help it. But I think I am going to be OK. I am still alive, and I still have this wife of mine and these kids and a family like no other. Most of my family has no blood relation, but are as close as any other family. God has blessed me and given me so much. It is hard to not have regrets, but regrets do not bring back anyone, just make you miserable. It is my family and friends that are God's instruments to bring me back home into the warmth. I said in a Facebook status before Will's funeral that these next few days were going to change me. I think they did, but I think through all of this fire, I just may come out better. I may end up a better person and husband and father and friend. I may think about everything differently. The only problem is the fire that is yet to come.
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