Last Sunday, my pastor was teaching on how deeply our God loves us and how we are worth many sparrows. While teaching he transitioned into a Gospel presentation in which he made it clear that you can knock on God's door, but you have to trust Him to open it. We can't earn salvation and try to open that door ourselves, we need Christ.
Occurred to me that sitting here in this hell I have been in for the last month isn't helping. Obviously. But I am trying so hard to solve what happened. I spent the first couple of weeks needing to know every detail and investigate the whole situation. Then spent the rest of the time trying to grieve in the way that is most acceptable for everyone else. I am angry. I am sad. I miss my friend so much. I am guilty. I am punishing myself.
I think the door analogy applies in everything you should be allowing Jesus to do. Not one thing I have done to try to heal has worked, not one. But every time God intervenes and has shown me He was there and loves me has spoken volumes into my heart.
Let it just be what it is. Trust Christ to open the door. No matter the situation or the severity. Do what you can do, and let Christ open that door. I have been fumbling with this broken door knob for too long.
God has spoken to me through so many people, lately Will's mother, who is shining as Christ works in and through her. I am proud of her. And I know her mother would be too.
So now....what do I do.
Knowing is only half the battle.
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