Friday, January 15, 2010

Flashing White Lights

3:21 AM. This road in front of me is long with so many cracks and canyons, I can't make out if there is an end at all. Everywhere I look are blinking lights. Outside my door are old Christmas lights a neighbor has yet to take down, the alarm clocks, the quiet flicker of electric pictures across my screen. Everything is alive, but seem so empty and sterile. I wish I could breathe something real into them to remind me that nothing lives forever, we are programmed and wired with everything we need to lead us to happiness and to God. Just right now it all looks empty to me, because I lost something that matters so much to me. I would search endlessly if I already didn't know where it went, but I do.

Heaven. So why do I weep?

Even Jesus wept. Lazarus, His friend, was dead and He knew He was about to heal him. Some say, He was weeping for the sin of the world or the ignorance of mankind. I say He wept because He shared in the pain of being human. His name is Emmanuel, meaning God with us. I think when He called Himself that, He meant that He was really with us in everything, including the times when you would do anything to crawl right out of your own skin. The times when the sorrow is so great you can't see anything or breathe right air, or function as a husband, father, or friend. He is with us. He has been with me. Despite this misery I feel. I still feel Christ more. I have to remind myself that when the dark is too thick and the storm is raging, look for Christ inside of it with me, not look for the end of it. That is where faith is cultivated.


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  1. Adam,

    I agree with you. Jesus was crying because his friend had died. Adam there will always be things in this life that will never make sense to us and may seem unjust and unfair and most certainly unbearable if we focus on the weight of our cross. It is those times that mediating on our Lords passion may bring us some comfort, if only for a short time at first. Are you familiar with the Stations of the Cross? These stations trace the passion of our Lord to his death. If I could, I would like to share three stations with you from my Daily Roman Missal. These stations have helped me through many times of sadness in my life. I hope they help you if just a little.

    Second Station ‘Jesus Takes Up His Cross
    “Offering no resistance, Jesus gives himself up to the execution of the sentence. He is to be spared nothing, and upon his shoulders falls the weight of the ignominious cross. But, through love, the cross is to become the throne from which he reigns. The people of Jerusalem and those from abroad who have come for the Passover push their way through the city streets, to catch a passing glimpse of Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews. There is a tumult of voices and now and then short silences - perhaps when Jesus fixes his eyes on someone:

    “ If anyone wishes to come after me, let him take up his cross daily and follow me” (MT 16:24)

    Third Station’ Jesus Falls The First Time’
    “The heavy cross cuts and tears into our Lord’s shoulders.” “The worn out body of Jesus staggers now beneath the huge cross. His most loving heart can barely summon up another breath of life for his poor wounded limbs. To his right and left, our Lord sees the multitude moving around like sheep without a shepherd. He could call them one by one by their names, by our names.” “A sharp pain pierces the soul of Jesus; our Lord falls to the ground exhausted.”

    Fifth Station ‘Simon of Cyrene Helps Jesus to Carry The Cross’
    Jesus is exhausted. His footsteps become more and more unsteady, and the soldiers are in a hurry to be finished. So when they are going out of the city through the Judgment Gate, they take hold of a man called Simon of Cyrene and force him to carry the cross of Jesus.”

    “ I went to those who were not looking for me, I was found by those that sought me not” (Is65:1)

    “At times the cross appears without our looking for it: It is Christ who is seeking us out. And if by chance, before this unexpected cross which, perhaps, is therefore more difficult to understand, your heart were to show repugnance…don’t give it consolations. And, filled with a noble compassion, when it asks for them, say to it slowly, as one speaking in confidence: ”Heart: heart on the cross! Heart on the cross!.”

    Adam, your cross is heavy but you are correct, the Lord is with you and he has given you friends and family to help you when the weight becomes to great,lean on them when you get tired.

    God Bless you.


  2. So true!

    In such trying times throughout my life I have found great comfort clinging to my Faith in God...and hope you do as well!