Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Will "The Body" Doederlein

I do not know how to write this blog. In every way, my words defeat me.

I watched men put my best friend's body in the back of a truck on Christmas. I watched his kids scream, his wife fall apart, his mother in hysterics, his father nearly collapse. He was my brother in every way. I slept beside his 10 foot long, skinny bed most of high school. I called him "The Body" on this blog.

Right this moment I cannot even breathe. Every corner of my house, my neighborhood, my heart holds his ghost. I walk by the wash tub and there is his deep hand soap hanging in a zip lock bag he was so particular about. I look at my garage and I see him laying under a car covered in grease determined to fix it. I pick up my guitar and I see him standing behind me playing the bass, singing back-up. We both looked up to each other. He refused to move away from Michigan for a better job, just because he refused to move away from me. I loved him for that. My wife loved him for that. Now she is juggling grief for me and grief for the loss of her friend Will too. My kids loved their uncle will. The below picture is when Caeden broke his femur and wanted so bad to jump on the trampoline with the rest of the kids. His uncle Will scooped him up and held him and jumped for him. He saw beauty in kids he did not see in this world...he had the heart of Jesus.

We could speak to each other in looks alone, there were no need for words. Last Saturday his look told me he was going away, but he said nothing. He said goodbye in his own way, telling me he called just to hear my voice. The next day he hung himself by the neck. I have no idea how to say goodbye. He is part of me and I am deflated and empty.

Just before I tried to kill myself, I drank until I would pass out every night. Will worked the night shift and would come over every day after work and pick me up off the floor and help me to my bed. He would sit in the recliner until I was sleeping or he would sleep at my house in that chair like a watch dog, guarding me from myself. Will was selfless, though most can only shout about how selfish he was. And he was. He didn't see it that way though. He saw himself without hope of life and needed to leave to allow his family and friends to be happy. Oh my God, he could not have made a bigger mistake. But as my pastor said through tears at his funeral. Nothing we can do is more powerful than the cross. I believe Heaven gets him now, and he can smile again.

Tonight I was escaping upstairs, staring out the window. Tears started to fall and run down the glass as I stared at the Christmas lights that have lost all beauty to me. My little girl came up to me holding a little plastic heart and gave it to me, telling me she had one too. She then told me again that Uncle Will was with Jesus. She knew I needed a new heart right now, mine has been shattered into shards. Jesus speaks to me through my little girl who seems to be able to hear Him more than I ever could.

My praise for God is broken and silent. I cannot sit and pray for long periods of time, because I cannot stop myself from anger, even though I know that God is perfect all the time. I get so mad because He saved me when I wanted to die, and can't understand why He didn't save Will. I am angered because He didn't give me insight into what was really happening in Will's eyes. I was such a fool. I could do nothing and can do nothing. Yet I still know He is perfect and is with me and Will's family.

Will came over on his birthday because he was so down that evening at the CMB party. We wanted to get him into a smaller crowd so he could relax. We had so much fun that night. He was like he was normally. Nearing the end of the night, he sat by my desk taking picture after picture. He knew that night and wanted to leave me with those memories.

God I miss him so much. I never knew a person could hurt this much. I have no idea how to be the same man my wife married. I can say nothing more today.


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  1. No words.

    Nothing to say to you.

    Just know you I am crying with you today.

  2. It is just too much, even for me. I cannot imagine what you're going through, but we're praying. God will lead you through and increase your faith like He has many times before.

  3. Behold me, my beloved Jesus,
    weighed down under the burden of my trials and sufferings,
    I cast myself at Your feet,
    that You may renew my strength and my courage,
    while I rest here in Your Presence.
    Permit me to lay down my cross in Your Sacred Heart,
    for only Your infinite goodness can sustain me;
    only Your love can help me bear my cross;
    only Your powerful hand can lighten its weight.
    O Divine King, Jesus,
    whose heart is so compassionate to the afflicted,
    I wish to live in You;
    suffer and die in You.
    During my life be to me my model and my support;
    At the hour of my death,
    be my hope and my refuge.

  4. I've thought of, and prayed for you, your family and Will's family every day since I heard the devastating news. My heart goes out to all of you. Here I am, so very far removed, but yet this news has saddened me greatly. I pray God will carry you through this most very difficult season of life. I will always remember Will's friendly personality and great smile! I am continuing to lift you up in prayer.

  5. I am so sorry Adam. I didn't know Will but I can see how much you loved each other. Be strong, you are so needed, and God will help you.

  6. I am new to your blog, coming by way of Courtney...

    My heart aches for Will's family...for you and your I sat here reading your post I couldn't help myself..I began sobbing..I am so very sorry for your deepest sympathy goes out to all of you. May God wrap his loving arms around all of you and give you the comfort and peace you seek in this most difficult time of your lives...

    Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers...

    Rest in Peace Will

    Big Hugs!

  7. Been on your blog from time to time.

    Death is horrible. It feels so final. Even when we know that those we love are sitting in the lap of their Savior clinging to His neck and finally understanding his love once and for all. We are left behind to grieve. I don't really know how to grieve. I lost my sister less than a year ago and I still just miss her so. She is dancing in heaven, but I long to just see her quirky smile once again.

    Hope deferred makes the heart sick. I don't know if we can ever really know what happens to the heart when it is crushed and deflated. In our humanness we can never understand.

    I will not leave you with trite words or platitudes. But, I do believe that our cries are heard by our Lord. I know that He captures our tears in a bottle and writes all of our sorrows in His book. He cries today to. He hates it that you are hurting and broken.

    He has not forgotten you in the midst of this. That is all I know. But, He is big enough for you to scream and rant and hurt. He can handle anything you can throw at Him. He loves you that much.

    His love is high and wide and deep and it makes no sense. But, it is still there....

    Praying for you and Will's family. Crying with you.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. May God give you peace and comfort.

  9. Hello
    My nephew goes to school with Will's children. We were all so very sad to hear the news and our hearts are breaking for Alicia and the kids.

    We will be keeping all of you in our hearts and prayers.

  10. I lost my brother to suicide in June and it is so hard. You will never be the same person again. Always remember God is holding you up in His mighty hand.

  11. That is beautiful Renee. Courtney, your heart is huge, thanks for being you. Sorry Anonymous for your loss too. Horrible. Thank you everyone for your kind words!

  12. I've come to your blog through my friend Terri ... sorry it had to be this way ...

    Like so many others, I am crying with you ... It's painful to lose anyone you love, but I'm sure under these circumstances it's especially painful ...

    I've come to the conclusion in life that sometimes things are just going to happen that we aren't going to understand ... until we're on the other side. A man can drive himself mad trying to figure certain things out ...

    I pray that our Lord will carry you through this deep dark valley, as well has your family, and Will's friends and family. Deeply sorry for your loss.