Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Will "The Body" Doederlein
I do not know how to write this blog. In every way, my words defeat me.
I watched men put my best friend's body in the back of a truck on Christmas. I watched his kids scream, his wife fall apart, his mother in hysterics, his father nearly collapse. He was my brother in every way. I slept beside his 10 foot long, skinny bed most of high school. I called him "The Body" on this blog.
Right this moment I cannot even breathe. Every corner of my house, my neighborhood, my heart holds his ghost. I walk by the wash tub and there is his deep hand soap hanging in a zip lock bag he was so particular about. I look at my garage and I see him laying under a car covered in grease determined to fix it. I pick up my guitar and I see him standing behind me playing the bass, singing back-up. We both looked up to each other. He refused to move away from Michigan for a better job, just because he refused to move away from me. I loved him for that. My wife loved him for that. Now she is juggling grief for me and grief for the loss of her friend Will too. My kids loved their uncle will. The below picture is when Caeden broke his femur and wanted so bad to jump on the trampoline with the rest of the kids. His uncle Will scooped him up and held him and jumped for him. He saw beauty in kids he did not see in this world...he had the heart of Jesus.
We could speak to each other in looks alone, there were no need for words. Last Saturday his look told me he was going away, but he said nothing. He said goodbye in his own way, telling me he called just to hear my voice. The next day he hung himself by the neck. I have no idea how to say goodbye. He is part of me and I am deflated and empty.
Just before I tried to kill myself, I drank until I would pass out every night. Will worked the night shift and would come over every day after work and pick me up off the floor and help me to my bed. He would sit in the recliner until I was sleeping or he would sleep at my house in that chair like a watch dog, guarding me from myself. Will was selfless, though most can only shout about how selfish he was. And he was. He didn't see it that way though. He saw himself without hope of life and needed to leave to allow his family and friends to be happy. Oh my God, he could not have made a bigger mistake. But as my pastor said through tears at his funeral. Nothing we can do is more powerful than the cross. I believe Heaven gets him now, and he can smile again.
Tonight I was escaping upstairs, staring out the window. Tears started to fall and run down the glass as I stared at the Christmas lights that have lost all beauty to me. My little girl came up to me holding a little plastic heart and gave it to me, telling me she had one too. She then told me again that Uncle Will was with Jesus. She knew I needed a new heart right now, mine has been shattered into shards. Jesus speaks to me through my little girl who seems to be able to hear Him more than I ever could.
My praise for God is broken and silent. I cannot sit and pray for long periods of time, because I cannot stop myself from anger, even though I know that God is perfect all the time. I get so mad because He saved me when I wanted to die, and can't understand why He didn't save Will. I am angered because He didn't give me insight into what was really happening in Will's eyes. I was such a fool. I could do nothing and can do nothing. Yet I still know He is perfect and is with me and Will's family.
Will came over on his birthday because he was so down that evening at the CMB party. We wanted to get him into a smaller crowd so he could relax. We had so much fun that night. He was like he was normally. Nearing the end of the night, he sat by my desk taking picture after picture. He knew that night and wanted to leave me with those memories.
God I miss him so much. I never knew a person could hurt this much. I have no idea how to be the same man my wife married. I can say nothing more today.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.