Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I Want To Learn To Sway With The Trees

"It's 3 AM, I must be lonely."

As good as I have felt over the last couple of months, is as bad as I feel now. It is ripping my heart out. I have never been closer to my God, never been so observant of God's Spirit, never tasted more of the Heavenly gift. But now, I don't feel much at all. Depression still comes and it still tears away the joy of being redeemed.

I realize we go through times of trial and testing, but I had really hoped the joy would stay, the hope would be a remnant of what I have in my God. But it didn't. So here I am at 3 AM typing because I don't have the voice or heart to speak it.

God has changed every fiber of me. I think differently, even now, which brings me some peace. He has chosen to keep me sick with depression, for His reasons. But I still hate it...and love it. I hate that I love it. I hate that sadness makes me feel comfortable. I hate that I feel the need to write about it. I feel like a fool doing so because I have just spent the last 2 months telling everyone how God has changed me and how beautiful life is.

He has changed me, but has chosen not to change this. That's OK with me, if it is what God will is for me. I know He doesn't want me to suffer and I know it tears His heart out, but it must be done. It must be done to all of us in one way or another. We must be tested and tried and we must taste some defeat to see what victory really is.

I have been a believer in my Lord now for 12 years. Over the course of that 12 years I have been constantly struggling to keep it together. To keep myself from unraveling and shaming Christ. With God's strength I have grown through all things, and will continue to grow, because if I have learned anything, it is that God will never be finished with me, because I am His son. I just feel so ashamed to feel this way. So dumb to be writing about it, so selfish to put my wife through it. She can see it better than anyone. She always knows even when no one else does. But I force myself to write about it, to share it with others, disregarding my humiliation because I don't want to lie. I don't want to be fake. If you hate me, it is going to be ME that you hate, not some other guy who tries to say all of the right things.

But I do have hope. I do see the other side of the storm. I do remember where God has brought me from. I do know people care. I do know that life will continue and cars will pass by carrying people just like me going to places I have never been. This thought is nice.

I am going to imagine my van tonight and try to sleep.


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  1. Hi Adam,

    I think you are experiencing what God wants you to experience. I know that you are not Catholic but I thought you may benefit of this homily from my Priest a few weeks ago. I posted the link so that you could read it in its entirely if you wanted. I posted some excerpts below.

    “ So Jesus asks them, “Can you drink the cup that I drink?” The Apostles answer without really knowing what they are agreeing to. But we read in the prophet Isaiah that “Because of His affliction, He shall see the light in the fullness of days; through His suffering, my servant shall justify many and their guilt He shall bear.” There can be no redemption from sin, no salvation, without the pain and suffering of the cross; whether in Jesus’ life or in ours.”

    “If we could fit suffering into a rational plan then it would not be so evil. “Salvation,” the Pope writes, “means liberation from evil, and for this reason it is closely bound up with the problem of suffering. . .and the definitive suffering: the loss of eternal life.” Christ shared in the depth of that suffering. For while Jesus knew no sin, He became sin for us and took upon His shoulders all our sins. For as Pope John Paul has written, “In the Cross of Christ not only is the Redemption accomplished through suffering, but also human suffering ITSELF has been redeemed. . . Man, discovering through faith, the redemptive suffering of Christ, also discovers in it, his own sufferings.” Suffering, then when united to Christ’s suffering on the cross, can have meaning because it has become redemptive, if we but unite it to Christ. As long as we unite our suffering to Christ on the Cross, just as Jesus was raised up on the third day, so to our own suffering, when done in union with Christ, will lead to eternal life and Resurrection on the last day. If we hold on to our suffering, and refuse to offer it up, it simply weighs us down and drags us further away from God“.

  2. Just judging by this entry, we seem to have had a similar struggle. Mine started at 19. (I'm 33 now.)

    As I read "We must be tested and tried and we must taste some defeat to see what victory really is", tears filled my eyes. It's so true ... !

    God Bless.