"It's 3 AM, I must be lonely."
As good as I have felt over the last couple of months, is as bad as I feel now. It is ripping my heart out. I have never been closer to my God, never been so observant of God's Spirit, never tasted more of the Heavenly gift. But now, I don't feel much at all. Depression still comes and it still tears away the joy of being redeemed.
I realize we go through times of trial and testing, but I had really hoped the joy would stay, the hope would be a remnant of what I have in my God. But it didn't. So here I am at 3 AM typing because I don't have the voice or heart to speak it.
God has changed every fiber of me. I think differently, even now, which brings me some peace. He has chosen to keep me sick with depression, for His reasons. But I still hate it...and love it. I hate that I love it. I hate that sadness makes me feel comfortable. I hate that I feel the need to write about it. I feel like a fool doing so because I have just spent the last 2 months telling everyone how God has changed me and how beautiful life is.
He has changed me, but has chosen not to change this. That's OK with me, if it is what God will is for me. I know He doesn't want me to suffer and I know it tears His heart out, but it must be done. It must be done to all of us in one way or another. We must be tested and tried and we must taste some defeat to see what victory really is.
I have been a believer in my Lord now for 12 years. Over the course of that 12 years I have been constantly struggling to keep it together. To keep myself from unraveling and shaming Christ. With God's strength I have grown through all things, and will continue to grow, because if I have learned anything, it is that God will never be finished with me, because I am His son. I just feel so ashamed to feel this way. So dumb to be writing about it, so selfish to put my wife through it. She can see it better than anyone. She always knows even when no one else does. But I force myself to write about it, to share it with others, disregarding my humiliation because I don't want to lie. I don't want to be fake. If you hate me, it is going to be ME that you hate, not some other guy who tries to say all of the right things.
But I do have hope. I do see the other side of the storm. I do remember where God has brought me from. I do know people care. I do know that life will continue and cars will pass by carrying people just like me going to places I have never been. This thought is nice.
I am going to imagine my van tonight and try to sleep.
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