Monday, October 5, 2009


There is a certain amount of comfort for me to sit in an environment that's cold, freezing even, windy, completely dark, and totally silent. Sitting under a big blanket, with a heater blowing on my lower half does it for me, it puts me to sleep, and it gives me comfort. It is strange for me, But I think it is because out there are things that are harsh and I cannot control them, but in here, I have complete control. I can think of several of those kinds of vices I have used in my life. When I smoked, I would just light a cigarette when I felt things spinning out of control or I felt vulnerable. After a while, the cigarette was the best friend and go-to-guy. But it was killing me, so I quit. There was alcohol. I had horrible nightmares in the months prior to trying to kill myself of me dying every night. They were the most real feelings I had ever had and the feeling would stay with me all day. So in fear of these nightmares, I would try to make my brain not work right by shredding it up with alcohol. So I would get drunk every night and that would put me to sleep spinning and the dreams sometimes wouldn't happen or I wouldn't remember them, but I got tired of waking up lousy. So I tried to kill myself, when that didn't work, I placed my trust in Jesus, so I quit the things that were destructive to me.

And I did place my trust in Christ, I had no other options. I had nothing. I had no one that could point me the way out of misery. So I trusted God, much like the guy in the Bible who out of desperation and lack of any options left told Jesus, "I believe, help me to overcome my unbelief." That is moving to me because most days this is how I pray, because this is how I feel. I want so bad overcome my doubt in Christ, but it lingers from time to time. Not doubt that He exists, I would be a monkey to deny that, but that He wasn't going to leave me.

Time to hear more about Z's daddy issues.

I would be remiss if I didn't try to explain why I feel the need for these comforting things. Why to sleep I imagine myself on a small boat in the middle of the ocean with engulfing waves over me, but completely safe from the turmoil. Things like that.

Some kids are untouchables, as I learned in traumatic psych class. They get beat up on, left, raped, abused, or whatever the horror story is and come out of it seemingly unscathed. I have truly met a couple of people who seem to have found a way to leave all of that baggage behind. I did not leave it behind. I carry it and try to give it to God. My dad left with no reason. Never met him. Probably never will. But it has occurred to me that I have some control issues going on inside me because I am vulnerable to abandonment. At least I am in my head. I don't have control issues like I have to always control what is going on, but I have to have something I can control. Something, not everything, just something. This causes fights sometimes. Laura doesn't want to be freezing cold all night long. She is normal. So I sleep sometimes in the living room with the even bigger window agape. But then try coming out of the shower in the morning and opening the bathroom door to the living room that is 23 degrees below. So I give a lot of credit to my wife for putting up with it, not without battle though. Once, the Red One came over early in the morning and found me laying with my lap top under my desk on the cold basement floor with a heater. It was embarrassing, but we still laugh about it.

I find myself today with the same dumb fear of abandonment and the same hint of distrust that God is going to leave me. Over the last month, God has messed me up. He has changed everything I thought I knew, and reminded me of so much I forgot. He has filled me with joy to overflowing. But still, I fear that it all will end. That in a couple of months when the newness of being hit by a truck and thrown for a mile wears off, I will lose the joy God has given me. I do not want to lose that. It is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and the fear of losing it is crippling. So I pray over and over for joy and to keep it, and to have more faith, and to overcome my unbelief. Because it still lingers. But for right now, God has melted me into wax and is forming me the way He always has. It is possible I will be poured out, but if I am poured out, I want to be poured out knowing that God is going to fill me back up.


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  1. Very honest post Zombie! Your battle is half over in that you have clearly and unmistakeably identified your weakness. I hope you understand how powerful a tool that can be if you use it to your advantage.

    Imagine Superman walking around fighting bad guys and all the sudden he is weak and they stomp the crap out of him! He couldn't figure out how they did it or what made him so weak. All he knew was he got his bottie spanked.

    He knew exactly what his weakness was and more importantly his enemies knew what his weakness was!

    Your enemy knows your weakness and mine all too well and uses them at every opportunity.

    I do not have the background you do and I struggle with God's grace. It does not make sense but it is very real.

    Thanks for the insight into your struggles.

  2. I always want to feel overjoyed about God, like I'm failing in some great way when I'm not. I know that He Is, no matter how I feel in the present, but that doesn't help how I feel and show people His love when I'm down. I've just realized that there's a time for healing, losing, mourning, weeping. And then, slowly, the joy starts all over again.