I was living my life defeated. I had no idea. I really did believe the things that went through my mind. Nothing at all that I said or did was fake. None of it. I was defeated and had no idea at all.
I am going to keep shouting at myself on here about the way I used to live a month ago, because God is working in a way that cannot be me. If your have read my blog for the past 3 years, you can attest to a difference. I will keep shouting because if I don't, I sin. If I don't who will tell of God's work in my life, how will He be glorified if there is no difference.
You didn't hear me sing out loud about the joy that was building up daily inside me. You didn't hear it because it wasn't there, and I will not be fake. So you heard the lamentations of a person who has been thoroughly beaten from every angle. This defeat isn't the sort you expect to see. You would expect to see one lose faith, to backslide into a life of sin, to give up trying to hear God. I did none of these things. I prayed every day and studied my Bible. I tried to lead others to Christ. I volunteered my time and money to the poor and needy, the face of Christ. But inside I felt absolutely nothing. I was doing all of the right things out of the knowledge of what God wanted from His Word. The problem with living for the academics of God, is that it is easy to keep it just academic. If there is no experience of what you are talking about, no evidence, what you have is words. Even if the words are true, you don't have much.
I can now see the difference in application of these Words, with an unspeakable joy behind them. The Bible says give with a joyful heart. I get it. I think back to when I first met Laura. One of the observations she made was that I went no where without my Bible. I cared a great deal for the details of living a Spirit filled life. I listened hard for the voice of God in my life in the many ways in which He spoke. I had a fire and intensity about me that was noticeable. I lost so much of that. I began to rely so much on myself and my own experience, forgetting that God sees things so much differently than I see them. Because I am a fool at times.
I know I have bored some with these long and sunny blogs. Sometimes when you can identify with someone and that person changes everything, it is hard to identify anymore with that person. And truly I am not the same person. I am becoming who God wants me to be, by His power, not my own. Truly, if it were ever up to me, I would choose status quo, doom and gloom. My actions have proven that, because I allowed sadness to become my friend, not something I wished to overcome with joy. I filled up with depression and what came out of me was simply an overflow of what was in me. I am filled with something different now. I pray that if you are defeated, that God fill you up and change everything.
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