Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Riverboat Captain

I think I could work on a ship. A captain, or first mate, or the guy who slides down the big long rope. I love the water, not so much sharks, but the water is cool. I don't get sea sick, I don't mind working hard sometimes, I love sleep overs, and I would drink a lot of coffee. I would wear the big yellow slicker thing and grow a massive beard. If only you could just work for a few days at a time, then go home, I would miss my family.

I used to want to sail away, me and Gumby used to make these plans on driving across the country and hopping aboard some ship on the west coast and working all summer, or until we reached somewhere nice, then quit and just stay in that city until we got bored. We would do odd jobs with our limitless talent and looks and be happy that way.

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. I am pretty sure I would have died pretty quickly, not because of my own mistake, but because Gumby probably would accidentally kill me somehow. I just wanted to run and wanted a change, to be someone totally different. Didn't think about the fact that I would catch up with myself soon enough. You can't run. We try so much, but we can't really get away from ourselves. I would drink so much...Always the guy who got too drunk at parties, always the guy who took it too far. Most of us try to escape somehow, whether in alcohol, or hobbies, travel, or whatever. I think the issue is that we look at other people's lives and something about them is different so we make the mistake of believing that person has it all figured out. Meanwhile they are trying to escape somewhere too.

I was in the shower praying yesterday. I have been praying that God show me life to the fullest for the last few years. I never believed I had it or was even close to what Jesus was talking about in those passages and always wondered what was broken in me that would not allow that life to happen. I wanted real and lasting happiness and contentment. I got that on one level, but there is always this thing that holds me back. I don't even know what the thing is, but I know something in me could not move too far forward as hard as I try. So I prayed and prayed for "this life" and never got anywhere. I prayed yesterday as a habit, blindly hoping but not believing that God would answer.

Then He did.

The thing that has held me back is my belief that I am as disgusting as you could be before God. The doubt that I would really stand before God and find my way into His Glorious eternity. I forget about grace for myself. I see it in everyone else. Everyone else is worthy of God's grace, but not me. This is pride. Pride can go two ways: You can think too highly of yourself, and you can think too lowly of yourself as though God's promise is not good enough. That He should come and die for me again and again. What a lie that is. I am ashamed I believe it more often than not.

The answer?

Forget about my past. Forget about my sin, it is gone. Stop breaking down every time I make a mistake, even if it is the same mistake I have made a thousand times. Keep walking, keep breathing, and know that I am forgiven. That is life to the fullest I think.

If someone asked me what life to the fullest meant, I would tell them that.


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  1. You are one of the most creative, smartest people I have ever encountered. I am in school a lot.....with many doctors, lawyers, and scholars....none of them have impressed me the way you do with your writing. I truly do hope that one day you have the chance to publish many books. I think you would make a fine living doing so. I'm not sure what the "thing" that would hold you back would be....but I have no question that you could accomplish anything. Thank you for continuing to write.

  2. Andy, if I ever need a job reference, I am calling you. Lol

    Amazing man

  3. Excellent post.

    Thank you for your encouragement the other day. I am in a really bad place.